All Bryce Steven Boos wanted was a little financial compensation for returning to a dealership some car keys he found on a sidewalk. That’s all. Is that so much to ask? When the dealership declined a financial reward, Boos did the only rational actions possible: punch a car and then reach into his pants, extract some anus-fresh feces, and smear it on the car. And now everyone’s all worked up. Typical.

I’m sorry, but what exactly was this 27-year-old Great Falls, Montana resident supposed to do? Not punch a car and not reach into his pants, squeeze out a handful of solid waste, and run that fistful of human shit down the length of the car?

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For some baffling reason, the dealership was not happy about the $1500 of damage his punch caused to the quarter panel of the car, according to KRTV, and probably also not so into the brown, fragrant racing stripe Boos customized the car with.

The specific dealership was not mentioned.

Police were called, and Boos corroborated that the punch and feces-smear took place, but disputed that car-punching and feces-smearing were, somehow, illegal.

The police were unconvinced, and placed Boos under arrest and into the back of a patrol car, but then he began beating his head against the patrol car window until police were forced to remove him.

My real question here is all about the weaponized poop move. Was this like, a go-to move for this guy? It doesn’t really seem like something you’re just going to try for the first time right there in the heat of the moment, right? Did this guy actually consider his options, and made the decision to take a small turd into his own hand, for use in an act of vandalism?

If so, that’s both incredibly resourceful and completely revolting, all at once.