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Get The Thinnest Crust Ever By Flattening Your Pizza With A Tank

GIF via Eric Rood

I hate cooking. It’s tedious, and requires a finesse beyond “make sure this bolt is torqued to this exact amount or your timing belt will come loose and your engine will explode.” I follow the directions in recipes to the letter and still fail, every time. But I might be convinced to enjoy cooking if I had a tank.

This is what happens when the lunatics at Roadkill decide to make a cooking show, so naturally, they got a little help from Bullet Proof Diesel’s Chieftain Main Battle Tank.

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Here they are cooking a pizza, which of course, is the thinnest crust of all time because they ran it over with a tank. Just to be sure, they ran over the whole oven with a tank once the pizza was done. And in case that wasn’t enough flattening, they flatten even more things just for fun.

The Chieftain Main Battle Tank was one of the British armed forces’ main players in the latter half of the Cold War, with a 120-millimeter cannon and a weight somewhere between 55 and 65 tons, per Roadkill. It’s more than enough to get the tender, flaky pizza crust you desire from a pizza.

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Tanks are cool. Can I skip the cooking part and just crush things with a tank?

Moderator, OppositeLock. Former Staff Writer, Jalopnik. 1984 "Porschelump" 944 race car, 1971 Volkswagen 411 race car, 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer GTS.

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DISCUSSION

devils-rotary
The Devil Drives a Mustang (Rotary Pending)

That pizza tin appears to be about 12" in diameter, giving a surface area of about 452 square inches. An M1 Abrams tank exterts a ground pressure of 15 psi. The Chieftain is lighter than the Abrams, but has a narrower track, so let’s just say it’s in the ballpark of 15psi. So the tank put about 6,780 pounds of downward force on the pizza tin. Not bad.

However, the average passenger car exerts about 30 psi of ground pressure. This would yield a downward force of 13,560 lbs. So they just need to find a car or truck with a tire close to 12" wide. I would think an 18-wheeler tractor would do the trick.

But I suspect that I know what the reader is thinking. “Mr Devil, what about an elephant? Not the tank but the animal. It has feet almost the right shape and size to smash pizza tins”. And this is actually a good idea, for an elephant exerts a ground pressure of 35psi, giving a total downward force of 15,820lbs.

So in conclusion, they should have used an elephant.