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Further Innovations In LeMons Punishment: The Billy Gibbons!

Illustration for article titled Further Innovations In LeMons Punishment: The Billy Gibbons!

As a 24 Hours Of LeMons judge, it's my duty to think up sadistic Solomonically wise penalties for racers who transgress The Rules. Regionally appropriate penalties are always good, and thus was born the Ozzy Osbourne Inertial Penalty Horn... but more was needed. With about 20 minutes to go before boarding the plane to Houston, it hit me: Billy Gibbons!

Yes, the front man for that Little Ol' Band From Texas is one of the heavy-dutiest car freaks in the world, so that means a real LeMons Houston racer ought to sport a beard with similar length and volume. But how to make a Billy Gibbons beard from common household items, in less than 20 minutes? No problem!
Step 1: Cut a couple dozen 3' lengths of jute rope, the hairier and itchier the better. Hey, you think Billy's beard doesn't itch? You got to make sacrifices! Step 2: Tear off a 24" strip of cloth from an old sheet, preferably one previously used as an undercar drop cloth for a transmission swap (as was the case here). Step 3: Tie the ropes to the cloth strip. Step 4: Unravel the ropes, to add extra body. Step 5: Tie cloth strip around miscreant's head, arrange beard in hair shirt-style fashion under fire suit. They'll think twice about passing on a yellow flag after that, I tell you what!
Here we see LeMons Supreme Court Justice Loverman modeling the Billy Gibbons in LeMons Circuit Court HQ (aka dive motel in hydrocarbon-scented Clute, Texas). Come on back later on for more Yeehaw It's Texas LeMons fun!


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Rob Emslie

Jesus, what's with Loverman's raised-pinky drinking style? Who does he think he is, the queen of england? La-dee-freakin'-da.

Since you're gonna' be in Texas may I also suggest the Buddy Holly which involves "going down in Plano", but you'd have to figure out the logistics of that one yourself.

Another option would be the Bon Scott, forcing scofflaws to sleep in the back seat of their racer with only a case of Night Train as company.

You're welcome.