Look at this truck and tell me what you see? Wrong. It's the new Ford F-150 SVT Raptor, a tough-as-nails he-man truck that wants to rip your arms off. Now look back again, what do you see? Wrong. It's a truck so manly it sweats, a truck you need to shave three times a day, a truck that will grow chest hair. This truck is dangerous, in the same way you are.
Ford designed this truck for men, not ladies, and not little boys. This brute is not the truck you take to the local Starbucks for a double non-fat soy chai macchiato latte or to the boutique to get Mr. Jingles a new outfit. No, this is the truck you use to hunt Wildebeest on your private game reserve, or to chase down local gangs to deal out some street justice. The Ford SVT Raptor was designed on a mountaintop, by secret disappearing ninjas using the greatest technologies known to man. They built it with a massive 6.2 liter V8 that makes 411 horses, and 10 million lb-ft of torque. That's enough torque to pull the sewer pipes right through your front lawn, and enough power to outrun the cops, because you know that day is coming. This is the truck you want when 2012 arrives, and the truck you will need when escaping from zombies or tea partiers. This new Raptor is a truck that combines all the power of NASCAR, with all the fun of a "Mad Max" movie. SVT, it stands for Seriously Violent Truck.
Don't let this truck scare you, because it will cruise down the highway smoother than your M1 Abrams Main battle tank, and when you get where you're going, just throw on the Advancetrac system and crawl up over that Prius parked in your spot. They won't say anything, they won't dare. The SVT Raptor is comfortable too, with enough room for those hotties you picked up on the way to your fight club.
Fully loaded, the Ford SVT Raptor will cost around $42,000 dollars, but you won't care because this truck will outlast you, and the seventeen children your testosterone flooded body will undoubtedly spawn. This truck will outlast democracy, and become an impressive monument to the level of machismo you've attained. Created from 6000 molten pounds of pig iron, just starting this truck could send San Francisco into the drink, and you won't care at all, because you know they were asking for it.
Step inside to a world of steel and dead animal skin, as purpose built as your M16. Extra insulation protect you from the screams of zombies, and the explosions from the end of days. You ride at a height above other cars, above the clamoring "normal people" looking to evade their just reward. Opt for the rear view camera, and watch as their faces turn from fear to acceptance, as they meet their end. Once you drive this monster, everything in your life will make sense. Feel the power as you stomp on the gas, and watch those annoying songbirds get sucked into the hood vents, leaving only a trail of feathers behind. You are in control. You are Dirty Harry riding 411 horses of the apocalypse.
Throw it into mud-bogged rainforests in Bolivia, use it to hunt down Bin Laden in Afghanistan, toss a trailer hitch on it, and drag that mother-loving M777 155mm Howitzer right up to the nearest Al-Qaeda cave, you can do anything in this truck. Have a trailer? Well, now you have the fastest and meanest trailer on earth. How about a boat? Well now it's a super high speed racing battleship. Anything you put in the back becomes meaner, and more deadly. How about the kids? Just toss those bad boys in the bed, and they become the "Children of the Corn." This is a truck that screams "I have a gun rack, and I will use it!" Local police will steer clear, small children will run from your sight, and you will never have to wait in line again at the local coffee shop, just pull up and rev the engine, the collapsing building will force them all out. This Raptor is designed only for ripped, hulking, brutish, macho, Chuck Norris lookalikes who enjoy Mixed Martial Arts fighting, threesomes, rugby, choppers, blondes, threesomes, and eating fried scorpions. And don't worry if one of those hotties has a twin, next year Ford is bringing out a crew cab version.
This piece was written and submitted by a Jalopnik reader and may not express views held by Jalopnik or its staff. But maybe they will become our views. It all depends on whether or not this person wins by whit of your eyeballs in our reality show, "Who Wants to be America's Next Top Car Blogger?"