For Just $8.6 Million, You Can Get a Mansion Along With Your Rolls-Royce Phantom and Bentley Arnage

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but since coins and colored pieces of paper fund our lives for some reason, it’s always nice to spend less and get more. Take this $8.6-million Florida mansion, whose seller is throwing in not one, but—clears throat for The Price Is Right voice—two not exactly new but very expensive cars!


Well, collectively they’re expensive. The whole thing is expensive, but that’s to be expected with a 12,000-square-foot home. The home, which I saw posted on Patch as I scoured the internet for car blogs, has been for sale for nearly a year along with its buy-one-get-two-free cars.

The house has four bedrooms and eight and a half baths, perfect to prevent territorial fights among all five (five? you’re sure you counted five at the last holiday gathering) of your cousins’ children when they visit their wealthy distant family member, you, whom they see once a year but certainly love dearly.

It also has a grand staircase, which you can elegantly climb in your floor-length robe to look over the top of piles of money you had the help stack after they made you an omelette and a screwdriver for breakfast this morning. (To think, the world is so stressful, you have to start drinking as soon as you wake up!)

And, most importantly, the house comes with the cars we spoke of.

Those cars are the Rolls-Royce Phantom and Bentley Arnage, neither of which have model year listings or photos on the house’s page. It’s like buying a grab bag item for a bargain price online, not knowing if you’ll hate it or if it’ll even be worth the money! You thought that was only for the poors, but not anymore. You’re getting thrifty. Just wait until the next time someone says you’re too pompous for a good bargain deal. Just wait.


Anyway, the cars could be any version of the Arnage or Phantom, which is easier to grasp with the Arnage—it was built for 10 years starting in 1998, and there are plenty for sale in the $30,000 and $50,000 range. They’ll only casually ruin your life and any life you’d ever hoped for in maintenance and repair costs, if you make a normal income and can’t afford an $8.6-million house. If you can, you bought yourself a fixer upper. Thrifty and willing to take on a project. Nice.

The Phantom has been around for nearly 100 years, so with that one, you could either get a $600,000 modern boxy chauffeur vehicle with illuminated “stars” across its headliner or you could get something that looks like it belongs in a museum. That’s probably the best grab-bag deal ever listed online, honestly.


Plus, just think about it: It’s one house with two cars included, like a much more expensive version of the coupons you take to the grocery store to get three tubs of ice cream for the price of one.

Sure, the idea of three for the price of one is simply a deception sellers use to prompt buyers to justify their continually frivolous purchasing decisions, but it certainly does feel good to get three for the price of one. Three for one basically makes this mansion a steal at a third of its price, right? Right.


Ignore the cars’ value in the equation to justify this one, of course. You can’t put a price on (expensive material items that give you fleeting and artificial feelings of) happiness, remember.

Staff writer, Jalopnik



I see a lot of homes for fires and floods and that kind of stuff. I’m so bored with the same tired mansion crap. Hooray, you’ve got a square mile of marble. Hooray, you’ve got the same old pair of curved staircases with the 2nd floor bridge. Let me guess, there’s a great room that’s 2.5 stories tall when you walk out from under the staircases. Oh there’s an elevator? How innovative. Just shut up already. I want to see the 8,000 square foot garage with the small attached apartment. Give me an underwater bedroom or a second floor only accessible by climbing wall or helicopter. At least a nice, private lot for my 8.5 mil instead of just being another house on the street. Ooooooh a pool house, so special. I don’t know, it all seems like so much wasted space. What could you do with 8.5 million that had to get crammed into a dwelling? A heck of a lot more than this SAME PLAYED OUT GARBAGE built out of DRYWALL and MDF MOLDINGS. Don’t get me wrong here, I made some of the same mistakes when I built my house, albeit at a more modest floor area. But the next one is going to be different. It won’t be for resale or garden parties or swinging my junk around at the block party. It’s going to be steel and concrete with airplane hangar doors and a frightening amount of parking spaces. And a big kitchen, I like to cook.