For $900, Your Death is Almost Certain

Illustration for article titled For $900, Your Death is Almost Certain

Call 411 on your phone and you'll get Information. That might be helpful as the first question that springs to mind about today's Olds 455-powered Nice Price or Crack Pipe 411 is WTF?!


Beaded seat covers, along with the unavoidable presence that only an impressively large car, or a trail of used TP stuck to your shoe as you exit the restroom can impart, were obviously what drove the 60% Nice Price win for yesterday's 1989 Lincoln Town Car. So ubiquitous are those multi-balled lounges in the driver's seats of taxis that you might wonder if this Lincoln isn't the first application of one on the passenger side.

Significantly less ubiquitous, and vastly more potentially dangerous is today's candidate. Now, I know that we started the week with a custom VW wagon sporting a non-Volkswagen motor, making ending it with a custom VW wagon sporting a non-Volkswagen motor somewhat redundant, but, as you will see, they couldn't be more different.

You remember that movie Deathproof in which Kurt Russell liked offing hotties with his primer'd Chevy Nova? This VW makes that car look like a Siata Spring. Christine? The Car from The Car? None of those are as criminally insane as this 411 Squareback appears to be. In fact, it should be in the Oxford English Dictionary under Bat-Shit Crazy. I'm even tempted to contact OED and demand they use this VW as the primary example of bat shit crazy, in replacement of the anti-masturbation witch from Delaware.

It would then thus read:

Bat-Shit Crazy
[bøt-sh it ˈkrāzē] adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, noun, plural –zies

1. A 197-something Volkswagen 411 project that has been chopped and has had its pancake engine replaced with a 455 torque monster out of an Oldsmobile Toronado. Potentially a deathtrap.


2. An anti-masturbation witch from Delaware.

See, it totally works.

There's not much to go on in the ad here, but the basics are that this VW 411 has had . . . things done to it. The roof has been chopped, the rear glass removed, and it looks like the cab ahead has been hermit-ically sealed to keep out the nasties emitted by the OLDSMOBILE 455 V8 mounted in the back seat.


That's right, a Rocket 455. Over square, and big as your first post Thanksgiving poo, the Olds V8 did duty in the Toronado where it pushed 375-400 bhp through the front wheels. Here it rests mid-411, like an old man's gut, and has brought along its Turbo Hydromatic to keep it company. A radiator is slotted just behind the walled off front seats, and the whole works are laid out in the back like a poorly prepared bear-mauling victim in the world's rat-roddiest hearse.

The seller says that the car is a project that has never been finished, and that while it currently doesn't run, he's willing to deliver it for $2 a mile. That's very big of him, and that's in contrast to the asking price which is small- $900 to be exact.


Considering all the hard labor that's already gone into this – cut down windscreen, chopped roof, hernia-busting drivetrain insertion, that seems like a mere pittance. But that price is only the monetary cost, and looking at this thing makes you think there may be corporeal costs as well. As noted, the ad contains a dearth of info and it makes you wonder if it is pumping the better part of 400 horses to the wheels, how effective those non-power ‘70s VW brakes are going to be in arresting all that development.

So what do you think, does its $900 price tag make this frankenwagen worth ensuring your death and dismemberment coverage is paid up? Or, is that price bat-shit crazy?


You decide!


Seattle Crazylist or go here if the ad disappears.

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Jim Hubert

You are least 513 of you, to this point...already bat shirt crazy for voting NP on this thing.

Do you have ANY idea how totally insane this is? This car, if you ever DID manage to make it run, is the living, breathing equivalent of a street legal fuel altered. Hell, even worse, you couldn't even put slicks on it, because after the first real launch you'd be rolling it back over on the wheels, from a reverse end over - the engine in the back is not gonna allow a lot of slick-spin before launching the nose vertical. Wheelie bars would be NHTSA required, on this thing.

To even think about driving this on the street, or even on a drag strip, consider first what happens if you hit anything, at a speed exceeding 5 mph. You got about a half ton of burning hot engine and transmission fastened inside a VOLKSWAGEN (with all the wimpy engine mount visions that implies) located RIGHT BEHIND behind you. Think of stamping grapes, except those round things are passengers' heads.

Finally, ask yourself why the seller, having gotten the engine installed and plumbed (so he says) hasn't completed the minor work needed to finish this. The likely answer is that wherever he lives has passed an ordinance wjhich specifically states that anyone found running a car like this on a public highway shall be impaled on the right hand stack of a Kenworth conventional and given a tour of America, as a warning to others.

Besides, he forgot the supercharger and nitrous bottle.

Crack pipe.;