I have to admit, if we judge this in terms of scale-of-fiasco, you have to be seriously impressed with what Bradford Weitzel, a 38 year-old Florida Man in every sense of those words managed to accomplish. There are cars, trains, fruit, and even a forklift involved here. It’s like a dazzling carnival of idiotic decisions that just keep going and going, and it even ends with the suspect flagging down the cops himself. It’s so good.
I think I’ll just quote the Martin County Sheriff’s Office’s Facebook post to give you the essential details and timeline here:
38-year old Bradford Weitzel, of Port St. Lucie, told Martin County Sheriff’s Detectives that he couldn’t find his car after leaving a Martin County bar early this morning, so he stole one in a good faith effort to locate his own. He said he somehow ended up on the train tracks along Indian River Drive. That’s when Weitzel claims the vehicle he stole suddenly stopped dead on the tracks as a train was coming. So he said he got out and ran, leaving the car on the tracks. Within seconds, the train hit the car, catapulting it into a nearby home where the homeowners were sound asleep. Fortunately, they were not physically injured, although the explosive sound of a driverless car smashing into the side of their home was clearly jolting. Meanwhile, Weitzel continued on to a nearby fruit stand, where he vandalized the business then tried to steal a forklift. In the end, Weitzel said he thought it was best to flag down the responding deputies to let them know he was still looking for his car.
Bradford Weitzel was arrested and charged with Grand Theft, and Criminal Mischief. Additional charges are expected.
Holy crap, this is gold right from the start. Dude leaves a bar early in the morning — I think we can presume he was pretty drunk, though don’t hold me to that, I don’t have any evidence beyond the subsequent series of decisions that sure seem to be the kind a less-than-sober brain might choose.
He can’t find his car so he stole one “in a good faith effort” to find his? What the hell is that? Does Floridian law have a clause that states you can steal a car, but only if you really, really need it for something? It’s okay as long as why you stole it is a “good faith effort” to do whatever the hell you needed the car for? That’s not a thing.
Okay, so car gets stuck on railroad tracks, which would be bad enough. But, since this man’s life seems to be governed by the same rules that Wile E. Coyote operates under, the car gets hit by a train and launched into someone’s house.
Then — and this may be my favorite part — the dude vandalizes a fruit stand? A fruit stand! I guess the last thing you want to see when it’s late and you’re tired and you just caused a train to fling a car into a house is a bunch of smug-ass bananas and pears and oranges looking at you, all fucking superior. They know what they did.
Also, I’m kinda surprised he was able to steal a car and not a forklift. This could have ended with a cathartic end-of-night forklift rampage, but I guess I should just be happy with what we have.
And, it ends with him flagging down police, because he still hadn’t solved his main problem: finding his car.
It was not mentioned if police were able to help Weitzel find his car.