Fiat 500 Jolly, Nissan Figaro, Shortened Geo Metro: The Dopest Cars I Found For Sale Online

Regular readers of this blag likely know about my love for small cars. This, admittedly, is kind of pushing it. You get a hood, two doors, and just enough metal beyond that to hold a hatch lid and fuel door — everything else has gone the way of the Sawzall.

This ad mentions that the car was professionally shortened, which brings up the possibility that there are people earning a living by chopping up Geo Metros and reassembling them into slightly smaller Geo Metros. This is a good world, I think. There remain artists on the planet for us all to enjoy.

All cars should have color-matched wheels. This is a direct message – no, a plea – to the automakers of the world: Make this the default option on all new cars. In fact, I’ll go one step further and ask the United Nations to mandate this globally. It just looks better.

This Justy lacks the traditional all-wheel-drive layout of a Subaru, as well as the standard four-cylinder boxer engine. It has a mere two driven wheels (up front) and three inline, transverse cylinders (also up front). But, what matters more: traction and power, or red wheels?

We’re on a trend of weird little hatchbacks, so let’s change things up with a weird slightly larger hatchback. I love the R4 because it’s this gorgeously crafted design, with a smooth front end that’s rounded over from the bumper to the windshield, and then Renault just slapped a mass of black on the front with two lights in it.

That’s design, baby. Those lights and that grille could’ve been recessed into the bodywork, pitched forward to meet the metal, but no. They’re just sitting there. Absolute attention-grabber, 10 out of 10.

Is this the nicest Triumph Trophy in the world? I’m sure there are other lovingly restored examples out there, but I certainly haven’t come across them in my various travels around Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist, and eBay. Usually these bikes are in what Fender would call Journeyman Relic condition at best, but this one’s immaculate.

Sure, the bike may not “start” or “run,” but those are easy enough to solve. I trust myself with a carburetor far more than with Bondo and a paint gun, so I’d rather have a cosmetically perfect bike that doesn’t quite function than the other way around. I can fix him.

For when you absolutely, positively, immediately, need to talk about Pepe.

The seller of this Carol appears to use it as a commuter, a move I fully support. So many people bring in JDM vehicles to serve as a second car, a fun little accent on top of your practical USDM daily driver. Live a little, drive a 25-year-old right-hand-drive hatchback every day. It’ll be fun.

This track toy is powered by a Hayabusa engine, meaning it absolutely requires a bright yellow sticker on the back that reads “BUSA ON BOARD.” The current owner appears to lack this sticker, putting them at risk of penalty from global authorities. They’re big on enforcing my dumb ideas after the whole color-matched wheel thing.

The seller of this Diasio claims it’s meant to be a scaled-down Porsche 962, and I love that for it. More cars should be sold as scaled-down versions of other cars, just because I think it would be fun. Someone sell me a ‘68 Charger with a 100-inch wheelbase.

Oh, you thought we were done with vintage looking small Japanese cars after the Carol? Think again. I’d make this whole slideshow Pike cars if I could find that many good, clean ones for sale at reasonable prices. I’d make this whole website Pike cars. Don’t piss me off, Art.

The seller mentions this car was refinished in pink (over its original pink color), but specifies that it’s Barbie pink. That suits this Figaro perfectly, as I can absolutely picture Margot Robbie, Hari Nef, or Alexandra Shipp behind the wheel here. Issa Rae, for obvious reasons, would need a limo.

My therapist told me that the Windjammer KLR650 wasn’t real and couldn’t hurt me, but I beg to differ – it is real, and it has already caused me immense psychic damage. It poses so many questions, like what and why and also how, and the ad does absolutely nothing to quell any of those concerns.

The ad for this KLR650 does not even mention the Windjammer fairing. Nor is the round headlight conversion addressed, or the respray that’s clearly meant to echo the M1030M1. Why is it like this? I need answers, and I don’t think I’ll ever get them.

The seller of this Type 3 claims that “Nearly every item has been gone through on this car except body and interior.” That’s kind of a lot of things to not go through while still saying every item, but I guess some people have different definitions for the same words. I, for one, think that “hockey” means a sort of pancake dish not unlike a crepe.

The list of repairs does include the engine and transmission, which were both rebuilt or “serviced” in 2020, as well as a full suspension rebuild and some electrical work. It does not, however, include rust mitigation on the underside of the car – the seller claims to have included photos of the rust in the ad, but instead appears to have thrown in a photo of a house. Again, different definitions for different folks.

More pastel colored vintage compact cars, you say? Well, dear reader, ask and ye shall receive. Unless you asked for something other than a gorgeous, beautiful, perfect Fiat 500 Jolly, in which case you’re shit out of luck. I can’t actually hear you, so I have to guess.

This Fiat must be New York’s hottest club, because it’s got everything. Mint green paint, a compact body, even color-matched wheels – a true best-of from this week’s list. If the seller would only move that decimal point in the price one digit to the left, we might have a deal. Maybe two.

See, this is more like it in price. We’ve still got the vintage pastels, we’ve still got the classic looks, but now we’re firmly down in the four figures. That, my friends, is a good place to be.

Despite being cheaper than our other pale blue entrant on the list, this Volvo may actually be in the better condition of the two. Look at how straight those body lines are, how clean (relatively) the interior is. Who needs a restoration when you’ve got decades of loving ownership?

Folks, we’ve arrived: The era of the sub-$10k Tenere. These bikes have been selling so far above MSRP for so long, but our long national nightmare is over. Yamaha has continued to pump out Teneres, and supply has finally caught up to the point that used bikes sell for less than they should cost new. It’s a Christmas miracle.

Now that the Tenere can simply be bought, without resorting to PS5-esque techniques of constant refreshing and goat sacrifice, will the mystique dissipate? Will folks move on to the more feature-laden bikes in the segment, or will they continue to prefer the simpler Tenere? Will I finally get my hands on one for, like, an hour?

I was going to say that this Lada is one last vintage pastel, but now I’m wondering — is “pastel beige” a thing? Does this actually count as a pastel shade, or is it just something bland that has a similar lack of saturation? Does this more banal hue count? Do you ever really look at your hands?

While we’re lacking color-matched wheels here, I will give partial credit for the white-wall tires and silver rims with chrome centers. It’s a very vintage look, which works well with this ‘60s-style aesthetic. Ignore the model year. This car is from 1962 in its heart.

Oh, hey, speaking of ‘60s cars. I like the idea of the all-white Continental as a sort of nega-Morpheus, a car that looks bright and appealing but is in fact home to evil, unscrupulous deeds. Morpheus looks intimidating at first, with the lightning and everything, but reveals himself to be an acolyte of Neo. This needs to be the car of someone who’s the exact opposite, who appears helpful and nice until they reveal their true intentions.

This is the car of someone who gets into politics to “change up the status quo” or “cut through the deadlock in congress,” only to reveal that they’re just funneling money into some PAC or “election donation” account worth eight or nine figures. So, every politician, basically.

Yeah, I’ll be honest, I don’t really know either. Here’s a trailer that’s made of some of a Volkswagen Scirocco. The seller admits the price is ridiculous and that the trailer rides on crappy suspension, but never fear — it includes slightly-less-crappy suspension. It does not include wheels.

Why? What? Who? How? All these questions and more are bouncing around my head like a DVD loading screen. You should try and tow this behind that Geo Metro, maybe with the KLR650 strapped to the back. If one person buys all three of these and connects them in that fashion, I’ll write you up for this site.