The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is tasked with keeping our roads and highways safe, and generally they do a very commendable job. They recently started a new campaign to prevent teen drunk driving, and I think the subtext of it is impressively realistic: if you're drunk in the woods, don't drive; just stay there and fuck.

I mean, they're not exactly coming out and saying that, of course, but this is what they've changed their twitter top image to:


It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on here. That amorous young couple there is enjoying both one another's company and a nice tepid bottle of some sort of distilled spirits. They're both reclining languidly, the booze combining with their desires to suggest an eventful evening, which the NHTSA's caption suggests as well: "THINGS COULD GET OUT OF CONTROL TONIGHT."

So, the NHTSA knows these teens, laying there in those horror-movie-emo woods are going to do two things for sure, and possibly one other: get drunk, bone, and maybe drive. All the NHTSA cares about, really, is keeping those teens from driving. That's their job. So, logically, that means that, for this horny-teens-drinking-in-the-woods scenario the NHTSA has set up here, they're advocating some drunk fucking in the woods.


And why not? In light of everything, it's a great idea! You're already there, you're a bit drunk, both of you are able to consent and are willing (this part is key, of course), so why even bother risking your lives driving anywhere? Just make sure to clear away any sharp sticks or rocks, see if you can find some nice pine needles or something, and have at it.

I mean, those squirrels deserve a show, don't they? What else do they have going on?


Damon made another one of these with a slogan the NHTSA should consider using:


So, take it from the NHTSA horny, drunk teens: fuck in the woods. Don't try to drive your drunk asses to some crappy twin bed where your mom or brother may walk in on you. Just stay out there in the woods, get it on, and sleep it off so you're sober enough to drive home later.

Finally, some sage advice from our government.

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