All image credits: BMW

“New Year, New Me” is a phrase most often heard from basic, unimaginative people who can’t pull their shit together for two seconds to better themselves without help from the invented social construct of time. I usually don’t bother with such drivel, but this New Year happens to coincide with a new decision I’ve just made: For too long, I have bemoaned the cheapness and omnipresence of Earthly materials, like gold and platinum. It’s time to trade up. BMW, my loyal friend, is helping me.

Diamonds and gold just aren’t as exclusive as they used to be. Nowadays, you can be anyone and just walk into any jewelry store and pick up a microscopic diamond for a fiancee that probably doesn’t deserve it anyway. You, with your measly “salary” can afford to do this. We are living in dark times indeed.

And on a separate note, I understand that there are those of you who are fascinated by the unending open vastness of space. It’s something that we do not fully understand, and we may never, even though one day I will own most of it. Space is far however. What better way is there to bring space closer to us than to gather some of it up and embed it into a commercial luxury vehicle?

No, not actual space, you idiot (how is that even fucking possible)—meteoric rock! It is here that BMW has struck gold, so to speak.


On the interior of a one-off BMW M850i that was indeed created only for me and me only, meteor fragments have been embedded in the center console’s trim plate, the start/stop button, the gear selection lever and the touch controller for the car’s iDrive system.

There are also meteorite fragment inlays in the door sills that light up like the Milky Goddamn Way. That is the technical term for it. I said so myself.

To keep the meteor trend going, there are also special Widmanstätten-patterned surfaces, which naturally occurs in certain meteorites. Here’s a quick astronomy lesson from BMW, which I never thought would be a sentence I’d ever write:

The strictly geometric structure, with its straight lines, has the appearance of ice crystals and becomes visible when certain types of iron meteorite are polished or brought into contact with acidic compounds. The structure is the result of the metal alloy cooling down in an extremely slow process that cannot be reproduced on Earth, making it an unmistakable signature of extra-terrestrial material.


The design has been hand-stitched into the headliner, milled into the brake disks, and seen on the exterior mirror caps, front splitters, center mesh plate and on the front side panels.

I ran my fingers over the space dust, a smile lighting my features. This is perfect, this is brilliant. Gone are the days where I must bear the thought of using precious materials also purchased by the low-class and the trashy for things like toilets and ugly rings.


Do you know what it’s like, knowing that I have something in common with... those... people...? Can you even consider them people? I’m breaking out in hives just thinking about it.

I must have more. What little is in this BMW—it isn’t enough. As I am dictating these words, there is a private rocket on its way past the atmosphere with a crew ready to collect more for me. I won’t stand for meteor dust that’s been soiled by landing on Earth. My crew has been set the task of chasing down individual meteors and capturing them.

I just can’t remember if I sent them up with space suits and food. Shit.