Illustration for article titled Drunk Man Steals Bulldozer And Goes On Drunkdozer Rampage In NJ Park

You've been there. Drunk, cold, and also, very, very drunk. All you want is a ride home, doesn't matter where it comes from, as long as you don't have to pay for it. A local denizen of New Jersey had that exact same process, so he stole a bulldozer and proceeded to tear up a local park.

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The resulting light public property damage and/or carnage is too horrific to post here, and also we don't have the rights to the photos of ruined benches and the like, so you'll just have to picture it in your mind.

Imagine a vast, deserted chemical wasteland. This place, forsaken by both God and humanity, is called New Jersey. And within it lies the aforementioned benches, twisted and tortured souls all, mere ruins of their former selves. Here is a flattened sign, once bravely warning the wretched remnants of civilization that inhabit New Jersey against barbecuing. There, tread marks, impacted into the moon dust that saturates the hellscape.

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Or, ya know, just go look at the pictures of the mess the guy made in the park over at NJ.com. Dude ruined a few benches and signs and whatnot:

"He said he was cold and was trying to ride it home to the Ironbound section of Newark," Harrison Police Capt. Mike Green told The Jersey Journal about Christopher Russell, 30, who was arrested that night.

Russell eventually managed to find his way out of the park, in the drunkdozer equivalent of what must've been a stumble, where he hit a parked car.

He surrendered to cops without incident once they showed up, and was charged with driving while intoxicated, criminal mischief, leaving the scene of an accident and theft of the bulldozer, according to NJ.com.

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Photo via Shutterstock

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