Illustration for article titled Dont Tease Me Like This Toyota

In the twenty days which have passed since Toyota officially unveiled the ridiculously rowdy GR Yaris with fewer cylinders than driven wheels, my world has lost its shine. This is no longer a technicolor life as I’m living in greyscale since I discovered the best car to ever be built in the history of ever, and of course it won’t be coming to the U.S. market. And then Toyota has the gall to twist the proverbial knife deeper into my broken heart by teasing us with this deliciously evil tweet.

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First of all, how dare you. We both know that this is an eventuality for another universe and cannot possibly happen in the one you and I inhabit. This monster-crafted-from-mouse will exist in small numbers across Japan and perhaps the European continent. A lucky few will find homes in the Antipodes. But never North America. Impossible rubbish this tweet. Hurtful, disgusting, and rude, says I.

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We have shared a few laughs, Toyota and I. I delight in grabbing a fistful of Corolla Hatch 6MT and wringing it for all it’s worth. Particularly its small and inexpensive cars have been historically tremendous. Despite being awful in every way, I’ve even experienced joy at the wheel of an Echo.

The GR Yaris is every bit the exciting that Toyota once excelled at producing. A WRC-aping effort with 268 horsepower, all-wheel drive, and a center-console stick I’d like to shake hands with. The modern rebirth of the 90s homologation special GT-Fours and All-Tracs I admired as a youth.

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Please, Toyota, don’t do me like this. I know that I can’t have this forbidden fruit. I beg of thee, do not dangle the dagger of hope over me, for I do not wish to be cut. I fear I’ll never trust again.

Jalopnik contributor with a love for everything sketchy and eclectic.

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