Dartz Promises New SUV That Will 'Fuck Rolls-Royce Big Car Before It Will Born'

Illustration for article titled Dartz Promises New SUV That Will Fuck Rolls-Royce Big Car Before It Will Born
Truck YeahThe trucks are good!

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not entirely rational when it comes to DARTZ. They’re about as far from what I normally like in cars as you can get, yet, somehow, the gleeful absurdity and fierce notgiveashittery manage to win me over. Yes, they make absurd vehicles. But at least they go all out when they do it. And now they have two new models, named after helicopters, and crammed full of alligator skin.

I don’t have full pictures of the new, wildly opulent SUVs just yet, but I was given some pictures, mostly of that lovely model there in the high-altitude suit. What is interesting is that thing that she’s holding there is the key box for the new SUV, and I’m told it’s based on the design of the pressurized sphere that held the flight data recorder of a Soyuz spacecraft:

Illustration for article titled Dartz Promises New SUV That Will Fuck Rolls-Royce Big Car Before It Will Born

That is quite cool, and I’m told if you just want one of those without the SUV, DARTZ will sell you one full of caviar.

The two new models – revealed here for the very first time anywhere, I’d like to add – are the Prombon Black Shark and the Prombon Black Alligator.

I do have a fantastic quote from Leonard Yankelovich, DARTZ RFE (his preferred title, Responsible for Everything), about how the opulence level of this new series of Prombons will compare with some more famous competitors:

“…which will fuck RollsRoyce big car before it will born…”

That’s exactly the sort of thing I like to hear from DARTZ.

Illustration for article titled Dartz Promises New SUV That Will Fuck Rolls-Royce Big Car Before It Will Born

These new SUVs will be based on Mercedes-Benz GLS AMG 63s, which will be significantly uprated to 760 HP and 885 lb-ft of torque. There will be two versions available, each focused on which seat of the car the owner will be in: a longer-wheelbase Black Shark, for people who will be driven around, and a shorter wheelbase Black Alligator, which is more focused on the driving experience.

Both vehicles, of course, will have NO Alcantra (emphasis Leonard’s) and instead the interiors will be slathered in the skins of eighteen freaking alligators, along with two stingrays, because why the fuck not?

Illustration for article titled Dartz Promises New SUV That Will Fuck Rolls-Royce Big Car Before It Will Born

I’ve seen pictures of the steering wheel of the car, which I’m not allowed to show yet, but it looks like something that may have grown on a dinosaur, just with more gold. I can show, at least, the badge in the center of the wheel, which has 292 diamonds in it.


As far as the names go, they’re not named after the animals they’re upholstered in. They’re named after a pair of Soviet/Russian attack helicopters from the ‘80s and ‘90s. That’s why the badge includes a skull wearing a flight helmet, and the background behind other aerospace-industrial details.

Here’s what DARTZ’s own PR team (which is Leonard, typing rapidly) has to say about their latest creations:

So DARTZ Prombron’ Black.Alligator car which cotinue famous... Helicopter traditions of Russobaltique (RBVZ) factory.

As, if there were NO RBVZ - who knows if there were helicopters???

You will ask why?

Because helicopter father - Sikorsky start his career as RBVZ engeneer more than 100 years ago, and he tested world first Sea plane at Baltic Sea - port Libava, at 1914.

In that car DARTZ unite all traditions of RBVZ starting from 1869 when factory was born to make opulent railway coaches for Russian Tzar, like opulent coachbuilding, german technical power - car is based on Mercedes GLAS AMG 63 chassis, and also soviet military & space power - as other part of RBVZ (later BTAZ) are still building .... spaceships.

DARTZ Prombron’ Black.Alligator is shortbase - 5300 mm (we call it 4Driver) version of Black.Shark - 5900 mm, with kevlar body.

First five cars divided on 2 armored - one to Italy one to India, 3 non armored - Holland (car N1), UAE, Czech Republic.

car is full of pilot symbolic and have rotating pilot skull on hood.

Alligator serie are limited to 50 cars, 25 of them are booked for China.

For car promoting DARTZ invited Admiral General Aladeen favorite Virgin @viktorijanicole.

For those who will miss opportunity to buy exact car DARTZ Opulence Department (pictures attached) created some state of art Apparel from natural Alligator, Shark and Stin(ger)gray skins.

Apparel will include barcelets, bags, jackets and other unique stuff.

Every state of art aparel item will have certificate signed by the Dictator Virgin, which make it more valuable :-)))

As you can notice all skins used for apparel are The Whale enemies - so Boobed Leader of Green Peace can sleep well :-)

And about key box. Our keybox have nothing with any keybox on planet Earth, as let’s say it’s from space - same “black boxes” are used in spaceships, airplanes and helicopters.

This keybox is also part of Apparel and can be not only keybox - it can be custom made for any needs, even for office table or You can buy World Most Expensive gold’n’black caviar in personalzied BLACK BOX


So, if you’re currently considering a Rolls-Royce or a Veyron or some other way to roll around in opulence and broadcast to everyone within miles of you just how fucking rich you are, I implore you to hold off because there’s going to be a possibly much better option for you soon: A Prombon Black Shark or Black Alligator.

Illustration for article titled Dartz Promises New SUV That Will Fuck Rolls-Royce Big Car Before It Will Born

I mean, do you really want to be surrounded by filthy cattle skin and whatever Muppet they kill to get Alcantara from? Of course not. You deserve better. You deserve almost 20 dead alligators and some sting rays.

Trust me, you’ll be much happier this way.

(photo credits: Viktors Sesukovs)

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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Im sure these Russian cars will be as successful as their TV’s, game consoles and rock music.