Creepy Sparkle Vampires Want To Sell You A Volvo

Illustration for article titled Creepy Sparkle Vampires Want To Sell You A Volvo

If you have a wife/daughter/girlfriend/sister, you're likely incredibly annoyed by their obsession with the Twilight Saga movies and their lame sparkle vampires. Now, Volvo wants to use this schlocky tween vamp romance to sell you a car. Gag.


Having been forced to watch the original Twilight movie I can relate the plot to you very quickly: A high school girl with greasy hair falls in love with a 100-year-old, but still young looking vampire whose main powers are looking moody and sparkling. Ignoring the pedophilia and concentrating instead on the fact that the two don't have sex, Christians the world over have seized on the movie as a wonderful example of abstinence (Should I have sex with a sparkle vampire? What would Jesus do?) and encouraged their pubescent daughters to obsess over the movie's star, the dreamy Robert Pattinson.

At some point during all the ridiculousness and sparkling, there's some brief message about protecting the people you love. Volvo's seized on this, pushing its products heavily in the movies and now running an ad campaign to tie in with the sequel, New Moon, which opens next week.

Ignoring for a second the bizarre Christian thing that's going to insure that a generation of girls grow up with an incredibly fucked up idea of sex, the target demographic for this teen marketing campaign movie is 12-year-old girls. Is that really the market for Volvo XC60s? We mean, they can't even drive yet!

Then there's the direct parallel Volvo's drawing between the website it's using to promote its product placement and that creepy Christian thing the movies have going on. The website's name? What Drives Edward? Would Jesus be that creepy?


Sookie drives a canary yellow '75 Civic hatch.

Vampire Bill drives a black E39.

Jason drives a jacked-up Dodge Ram.

Lafayette drives a white Merc R107 roadster (with purple velvet and leopard-skin interior.)

Maryann the Maenad drives a candy apple red, lowered XJS convertible.

Detective Bellfleur drives a Beige Ford Police Interceptor.

You can tell whether a Vampire show or flick is any good by its choice of vehicles.