Time consumes us, despite all our toils to the contrary, whether its the allure of cosmetic surgery or the swapping of an older model for a younger one. But that should not stop us from choosing to live today as if time did not matter, like choosing a comment of the day that happened after the previous edition went to bed, but before the traditional Eastern Standard Time passing of midnight. It's exactly the kind of plucky decision-making that Sir Sonoma produced in an epic comment on yesterday's public-service announcements:
As you continue to drive through Winnipeg, you see a school zone upcoming.
If you decide to slow down and take it easy, letting life pass you by, go to page 16.
If you want to keep your pace, and possibly gain 10 points, go to page 64.
***turns to page 64***
The little girl flies forward as your Saturn plows into her. You breathe a sigh of relief, that she only hit the front end, since winter has made your composite fender and door panels brittle from the cold. If she had hit those, the damage could have been even more severe. As it stands, you must make a split-second decision as the girl flies in front of your car:
If you want to stop and make sure it really was a person you hit and own up to it like a real human being, turn to page 19.
If you're confident that you can convince the guy with tattooed arms at the less than reputable bodyshop that you really hit a deer and you're scared that your dad will find out about it, ram that gas pedal down, test out Winnipeg's newest speed bump, and turn to page 66....
***turns to page 66***
Thankfully, your credit card wasn't entirely maxed out paying up front the cost of getting your Saturn repaired, changing the colour, as well as covering most of Jack's silence. As you use your Binaca once more to hide the taste of sweaty coveralls, you consider your choices.
Jack said that you could use either of the cars on the side of the building until your Saturn was ready and waiting. They both belonged to guys who owed the shop more money than the cars were worth, so it wasn't a problem.
Suddenly, you remember with a jolt that you're still running late. With a glance at your watch, you see that you still might be able to make it.
Staring at the two keys on the board, you realise that you've made your choice.
If you take the key labelled "Green '99 BMW 850", go to page 34.
If you take the key labelled "Red '96 Lada Niva", go to page 48.
***turns to page 48***
After having it struggle a bit from disuse, the Niva starts right up. As you drive it out of the bodyshop's lot, you realise how awesome Russian cars are. Your Saturn seems awful by comparison, and now you don't want to return the Niva.
Suddenly, a tow-headed boy leaps out from around of a parked Toyota Highlander.
You hit the brakes in panic, remembering this morning. Luckily, the Niva screeches to a halt with lots of distance to spare. As you breathe a sigh of relief, you realise that the boy didn't even see you. He's too busy throwing rocks at a Buick Roadmaster wagon.
In inarticulate rage, you blare the horn at the kid to get him to move out of the way. Your fury is palpable, but you keep your cool. You're under the radar right now.
The Highlander kid turns with a sneer, and throws a rock at the hood of your Niva. Thankfully, it misses, but you
To run down the Highlander kid, quit stallin' and turn to page 71.
If you remember the Xanax in your purse, and really don't want to chance your luck (or have to use that Binaca again), shift into R and slink back to page 16.