COTD: Human Evolution Edition

Illustration for article titled COTD: Human Evolution Edition
Graphic: Jason Torchinsky

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to assume you’re all familiar with Professor Torchinsky’s infamous Homunculous Theory of Physiology as it relates to Pixar’s Cars universe. You’re not? Okay, well, here’s a refresher.


As you can see, it explains how humans evolved to permanently reside inside a self-propelled four-wheeled carapace. The Cars universe isn’t an alternate universe with intelligent anthropomorphized automobiles. The Cars universe is the universe we’re currently living in, thousands of years in the future. We are the cars.

Illustration for article titled COTD: Human Evolution Edition

See. It makes perfect sense. Pixar must have employed a true seer in order to influence its intellectual properties. These animated films are simply a glimpse of humanity’s own future, influenced by its own past.

Okay, but how do you explain the transition from bipedal humans to four-wheeled motion apparatuses? I get how we transitioned from Homo Habilis, but how do we get from Homo Sapien to Homo Automobilis? Commenter Vlachen has an idea below. It all began with the coronavirus outbreak of 2020.


It’s happening! Well done, Vlachen. For connecting the dots and giving us a path from now to our Cars-based future, you win today’s COTD crown. It’s been so long since I’ve seen a comment worthy of immortalizing, but this one takes the fucking cake. Excellent work, my friend.

For your efforts, please enjoy this terrible song from 1975 Queen. It was written entirely by the band’s drummer, Roger Taylor. He felt so strongly that it belonged on the band’s first record that he locked himself in a cupboard until Freddie Mercury allowed it to be on the B-side of 1975's A Night At The Opera. Mercury refused to record the vocals. “Gotta feel for my automobile” indeed.

Jalopnik contributor with a love for everything sketchy and eclectic.



That doesn’t explain why Cars still takes place in mid-2000's America. There are acknowledgements of WWII, the hippie movement, the construction of Interstate 40, and the gradual adoption of electric/hybridized vehicles in the later films. We see flashbacks to the 1950's. So history will just repeat itself beat for beat? A thousand years from now, the best outer car-shell manufacturers/science can make is a 2002 996? Or an ‘85 Mack? When they’ve had hybrid/electric powertrains for a millennia?

There’s something much more sinister going on here.

It’s a conspiracy, going all the way up to the highest levels of power: The “higher-ups,” some secret sect of the government, shoving all of humanity in outer car-shells to counter the spread of COVID-19. For everyone on earth to be willing to do this, memories had to be wiped. The general public was made to forget humanity’s past, and in a Truman Show-esque way, the higher-ups have hadall major historical milestones and events “repeat themselves,” just according to plan. The higher-ups are the only ones who remember; the only ones who know how all of human history happened. It’s far from perfect, but it worked. It’s all they knew.

SO all of humanity is rushed into archaic Model T-like cars. That’s why all the ancient statues/monuments in Cars 2 are early turn of the century cars. Memories are wiped. Human history, culture, customs, philosophy, languages, etc are all put on like a puppet show by the higher-ups to trick the human/car population that they themselves are causing all this history to happen. As they approach the late nineteenth century (years and years from now), they allow the car technology to advance, just as real-life car tech advanced in our nineteenth century. This allows there to be newer models. The higher-ups stage a car WWII. Then they stage a car Vietnam, prompting a car hippie movement. England gets a car Queen Elizabeth who’ll have a grandson named Wheeliam. The higher-ups allow for a “Piston Cup” league to emerge from grassroots moonshiner cars. By the time the new 2017 comes around, hybrid technology has been fully developed and has even reached the Piston Cup.

But the higher-ups reach a haunting realization: It’s now the new 2020. There has to be a car COVID-19.

The very event that sparked the whole car world to emerge comes crawling back, but everyone’s immune to Coronavirus at this point bc of their car-shell social distancing.

The higher-ups are shook: What happens next to a humanity that never went through COVID-19???

Why am I writing this