Illustration for article titled COTD: Flat-Pack Edition

Being free and unencumbered by materialistic excesses is great, but there comes a time when a man must face up to reality and say: Yes, it's time to buy some decent furniture. Especially when the beloved significant other says that, too.


You're a person in your twenties or thirties in a major metropolitan area with some taste and not a lot of cash? You're doubtless familiar with that enormous blue building with all the furniture with funny names that you assemble when you get home. We're sizing up a new bed this weekend — and in the process having a slightly depressing debate about truck rental vs. delivery. Speed and sharp handling are great, folks, but you must bow to pragmatism once in a while too.

So as I'm also starting to think about a next set of wheels sometime soon, I'm increasingly inclined to heed the sage advice of Desu-San-Desu and some Jaguar designers and consider a ride whose rear is anything but flat:

I like wagons and I cannot lie!
You other brothers can't deny,
When a Jag rolls by
With a sporty profile
And a roof that goes for miles
You get jacked!
Wanna stop and play Tetris with your bags,
'Cause it's got room in the back to brag.

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.
Oh baby, I wanna be your buyer,
And smoke your tires.
My homeboys tried to phase me
But that butt you got makes me so crazy!
Ooh, so roomy within,
I say to them others "What's a Benz?"

Say, "Use me, hoon me"
'Cause you ain't just for cargo moving.
I've seen them stancin'
Afraid to go dancin'
Sideways in the wet
Oversteer like a turbo 'Vette.

I'm tired of auto blogs
Sayin' wagons are for moms.
Take the average Jalop and ask him that
"Ride's gotta pack much back."
So, Jalops!
Has your D.D. got the butt?
(Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to hoon it!
(Hoon it!)
Hoon it!
(Hoon it!)
Hoon that Jag's big butt!

Wagons got back!

Photo Credit: ajd, mhd, njd & gsd


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