COTD: Children's Storytime Edition

Illustration for article titled COTD: Childrens Storytime Edition

It's been said before, but it's still true: Books for little kids can be some seriously messed-up violent nasty pieces of writing. Alice is on drugs. Grandmother is now a wolf. Death lies around every corner. Think twice about gingerbread.


They're cautionary, of course. They tech that the world is not a safe and happy and painless place, that things can and do happen. But how far is too far? How warped and paranoid do we want those young minds to be as they grow? Is the world a better place when we fear what's around any corner?

Or, as Spiegel has a Dream explains, when we replace our Check Engine lights with something much more sophisticated — and much more malevolent?


We ban the check engine light and we install a new system.

One of the sensors goes off, indicating an issue in your car. The next day, you receive a letter. Its borders are gold and sealed with wax with an insignia. You open it up and it tells you to go to an alley downtown at a specific time. There you meet a man that gives you a golden ring and tells you to wait for the rooster to crow three times before putting the ring on.

Suddenly you are chased by hooded men in black robes wielding swords. You narrowly escape and bump into the woman whom you've had a crush on for years. The bad guys catch up to you and you must take her with you so she doesn't fall to them. You hear the first crow of the rooster. You keep running. You hide behind some trash cans with her and narrowly escape the baddies a second time.

You go to the local pub and order a drink to calm both of your nerves, you start talking and share a moment together and in the background you faintly hear the second crow. Suddenly you and her feel woozy and fall to the floor. You both wake up chained to the ceiling and the ring on a table at the other end of the room. Turns out the bartender was in league with the baddies and drugged your drinks.

An old man enters the room. He's wielding a scalpel and looks about ready to attack her. You notice the chains are coming loose from the ceiling and struggle as hard as you can to break free. The chain gives way and you swing it towards the old man, knocking him unconscious. You break her free and you hear the third crow of the rooster, it's time. 4 men enter the room, all armed. They point their guns at you and her just as you put on the ring and disappear.

You wake up disoriented in a car shop with her next to you, holding your arm. She's happy she's alive and with you. The doors open and the same man that gave you the ring enters the room. Though you're happy to see a face you knows, you're somewhat surprised at the same time.

The man tells you your Fuel Lever Sensor Circuit is faulty and has to be replaced.

And that's how J.J Abrams fixes his car.

Have a good night, children.

Photo Credit: Mississippi State University Libraries

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She's happy she's alive, except for one thing. She's not alive! And those hooded men in black robes? Just other Jalops trying to prevent you from discovering a land where there are no check engine lights. That bartender? An alien. You didn't get drugged, you got gassed. Also, beware the trees.

And that's how M. Night ruins your movie.