Quick, when you think of what makes a given area of land in America a viable state, what comes to mind first? A state constitution, a mandate from the people? No, fuck that. Car dealerships! That’s what matters. And maybe landfills. At least, that’s what Representative Jody Hice (R-GA) seems to think.
There’s currently a bill, H.R. 51, being argued in the House Oversight Committee. That bill is the Washington, D.C. Admission Act, which would make the District of Columbia America’s 51st state, to be known as the State of Washington, Douglass Commonwealth.
There are lots of reasons why Washington, D.C., residents want statehood, not the least of which is that the 700,000 or so citizens who live there (more than in Vermont or Wyoming, and about the same population as North Dakota and Alaska) are subject to all federal taxes, yet have no voting representation in Congress.
That’s why they have license plates like this:
Jody Hice doesn’t think D.C. should be a state, even though he’s from Georgia. And while I’m not really sure why he’s so against it, he did lay out some of his reasoning in yesterday’s hearing:
“DC would be the only state, the only state, without an airport, without a car dealership, without a capital city, without a landfill.”
Right, right, the all-important Car Dealership Requirement from the Constitution. I almost forgot about that.
I forgot how hard John Adams and Thomas Jefferson worked with Ben Franklin over in France to secure Cugnot Steam Drag dealerships in the 13 original colonies so that they could make all of the colonies states prior to the Declaration of Independence.
This, of course, led to the very first American Saleabration, held at all American carriage and steam-powered vehicle resellers from July 5 to July 9, 1776. The deals were revolutionary!
The states of Texas and California briefly existed as independent nations prior to statehood because Sylvester Roper wasn’t quite ready to establish his dealerships for his steam velocipedes and buggies in those states.
Later in state/car dealership history, we have the historic Great Compromise of 1959, where it was agreed that Alaska would be admitted as a Ford state, and Hawaii would be admitted as a Chevy state, helping to keep the Rather Push Than Drive Cold War from escalating into actual warfare.
Oh, wait a sec. I’m sorry. All of that is horseshit. I just checked, and it seems the Constitution doesn’t mention car dealerships even once. Holy crap. I can’t find landfills or airports in this thing, either. Why are we still using this thing, amirite?
But what if Rep. Hice was right? What then? Well, even then, this argument wouldn’t hold, because there are lots of car dealers in D.C. There’s even a Tesla store!
Airports aren’t far at all (one is even on D.C.’s subway line), and as far as landfills go, there’s always the Fort Totten Solid Waste Transfer Station which I guess may not technically be a landfill, but it looks like it’d be close enough for whatever Rep.Hice needs from a state landfill, don’t you think?
Hey, I wonder if anyone grabbed that old CRT TV there, yet? I call dibs.
The good Representative did fess up to his error, saying
“If there’s a car dealership in D.C., I apologize for being wrong — I have no idea where it is.”
Hey, don’t even worry, dog! I’m sure when you’re ready to pick up a cherry used Camry you can get a congressional page to drive you over to one of D.C.’s car dealerships. You could stop off at the almost-landfill on the way, if you wanted!
I’m guessing Rep. Hice is all in on statehood now that we have this all cleared up.