As Tropical Storm Edouard worked its way weakly across Southeast Texas, we gladly watched the 12 hours of local news coverage of... well... not much. Not only did we miss the worst of the storm in Houston, the area of circulation was so small that few people saw wind over 30 mph. Lacking much in the way of actual news to cover, the 30 news crews running around the city had to focus mostly on cars spinning out and, we kid you not, a tent being blown over. The best accident had to have been the Chevy pickup that slid off a formerly flooded street and into a fire hydrant...causing the street to flood again. As frightening as a minor street flood is, graverobber retells a story that reads like a Stephen King novel.
One time here in LA, it was like, really cloudy, and then it started to like, rain a little. No body knew what to do so we just all started crashing into each other! I mean, the road was like wet and everything and Everybody was disoriented because we couldn't see the sun. I mean, it could have been night for all we knew!
Anyway, you know what? Those black things on the windshield? They work like squeegees or something! Anyway, I saw someone else- I think they had Washington plates- turn a knob on the turn signal thing on the other side of the steering wheel, you know, near the radio, and all of a sudden these things started, like wiping across the window and he could like totally see! So I looked at the turn-signal that isn't really a turn signal (Why do they make it look like a turn signal? I mean I don't even use the turn signal thing on the other side so why make it so confusing?) and sure enough, giving it a twist and my squeegees started going! It made a awful noise though: gurrump- bawbawbaw, gurrump-bawbawbaw, so I had to turn them off.
Anyway, the road got all shiny and there was like this really pretty rainbow over Cahuenga, and i was looking at it and feeling really peaceful and happy when all of a sudden I hit this car going up Barham and I was like "whoa, I like totally didn't see you." And he's all "Ow, my back." and so I offered him some aroma therapy beads but he got all up in my face and started shouting at me, and it's not like his miata or whatever was like that nice even. I mean, it was like from the '90s or something.
Anyway, it's like all wet and everything, and people are honking at us and there's this jerk right behind me with his turn signal on, trying to get around us- what was that all about? And so this miata guy wants to see my license and insurance or something and I'm all "here, just take it" and I gave it to him, and I was getting all scared and wet and everything and so I called my dad, but he was out in Malibu and there's no service out there and then I got even more scared because what if it was like misting in Malibu too?! I mean there could be mudslides and everything.
So I tell this guy to give me back my license, that I gotta' go and I get back in my car and flip a U-ee and jump on the 101, only it's all backed up because of the rain and I don't know, maybe everybody else was looking at the rainbow, so I have to get off at Riverside and I'm like totally in the Valley. It's all strip malls and Zankou Chicken or something and I'm totally lost and I have to turn on the window things again just to see, and it's raining harder now, and making that noise-giving me like the worst migraine.
And then there's these lights in my rear-view mirror, only I didn't notice because I was concentrating on like driving and stuff. And these cops pull me over and are all, "can you step out of the car", and I'm like "No, it's raining too hard!" and they're all, "get out of the car!"
So, anyway, they like take me back to the station and totally impound my car- cost $372 to get it out, and daddy and I had to go to this really yucky part of South Central to get it. I mean, I like Kanye and all, but eww.
So that was my experience with REALLY wild weather. Daddy says I should move to Phoenix.
Get that person a latte.
[Photo: Getty Images]