Choose Your Own Adventure: GM Edition
They just announced the news over the radio here at the plant, I feel like I've won the lottery. This all sounds too good to be true. But I'm concerned because there seem like so many options, and I just don't feel qualified to make these decisions.
It seems like some people are taking their time with this, but Bob over in brakes just told me he's gonna take the deal. I think that makes sense cause he's got those kids and all. But Billy-Joe taking the deal? That seems like an awfully rash decision to me. What should I do?
(If you have 30 years or more with the General, turn to page 30)
(If you have between 27 and 29 years with the General, turn to page 27)
(If you have between 10 and 26 years with the General, turn to page 26)
(If you have less than 10 years with the General, turn to page 10)
Page 30
Congratulations, you've reached the end of your adventure! How does it feel to know after all those years working under the Blue and White of the General Motors logo, they're finally treating you the way you deserve? It feels good to be the king, don't it? For your troubles, and for your great choice, you'll receive:
• The Special Attrition Program, an offer of $35,000 to induce the 30-year-and-up club, generally highest paid of the workforce, to retire.
• $140,000 buyout to employees with 10 or more years of seniority.
• Through the GM pension plan, you'll receive $32,760 per year until age 62 (when Social Security benefits kick in), and $16,812 per year in pension payments every year until you die in your bed, surrounded by your family.
• You and your family will receive full health benefits for all of your remaining golden years.
Page 27
Although it may have seemed like the old codgers got the best deal, you know that you're the real winner here. You may not get the $35,000 "Special Attrition Program", or as you call it "SAP for saps", but you kick their butts in other ways. Here's what you'll receive:
• You get the pre-retirement plan. They've created a sliding pay scale allowing workers with 27, 28 or 29 years of service to retire now and receive a monthly salary (between $2,800 and $2,900) until you hit the 30-year mark, then you get to fully retire too!
• $140,000 buyout to employees with 10 or more years of seniority.
• Through the GM pension plan, you'll receive $32,760 per year until age 62 (when Social Security benefits kick in), and $16,812 per year in pension payments every year until you die in your bed, surrounded by your family.
• You and your family will receive full health benefits for all of your remaining golden years.
Page 26
You put in some years, yes...but you're still young, and you have your family to think about. Little Britney is going off to college in five years, Mary-Sue just had Dale Jr., and you've got the mortgage on the new pre-built to pay off. You're not really sure what to do, and could potentially be in the most difficult spot of all. Should you stay and risk getting nothing in a year or two if the hatchet does fall, or should you go now and take the "windfall"? Who knows? All you do know is if you go, you'll get:
• The $140,000 buyout payment.
• Any accrued pension benefits, with payment beginning at age 50.
• No health care.
• That's it. Seriously.
Page 10
The good thing is you're young and healthy and strong as an ox. The bad news is that you're not getting as much out of this deal as others. But that's ok, cause you can take the buyout and then go to school and get a degree and become part of the "information-based economy". Who are we kidding...you're gonna spend half the money on hookers and beer like we would, and then spend the rest on a '09 Camaro while you live at your mom's. Here's what you'll get, ya tool:
• $70,000 buyout.
• What little pension benefits you may have vested.
• Go and get a job, dude...seriously.
Related:
NEWSFLASH: GM, DELPHI OFFER BUYOUTS, FILM AT 11 [internal]