Chinese News Issues Bizarre Farewell From Sad, Dying Lunar Rover

Illustration for article titled Chinese News Issues Bizarre Farewell From Sad, Dying Lunar Rover

Things aren't going so swell for China's lunar rover. About halfway into its three-month mission to study potential nuclear launch sites explore the moon for science, the Yutu rover is suffering from a possibly fatal breakdown. And the way the Chinese state news agency broke this to the people is... well, different.


CNN reports that China's government-run Xinhua wrote a story explaining the situation in the voice of the beleaguered rover itself. Here's what Yutu, or "Jade Rabbit," had to say about, uh, "his" state of affairs:

"Although I should've gone to bed this morning, my masters discovered something abnormal with my mechanical control system," said the Xinhua report, in the voice of the Jade Rabbit. "My masters are staying up all night working for a solution. I heard their eyes are looking more like my red rabbit eyes."


Oooookay then. The rover must power down during the minus-180 degree Celsius lunar night to preserve its electronics, and if it is unable to hibernate, it could effectively freeze to death, CNN reports.

The Jade Rabbit just implored people not to tell its lander, Chang'e-3, about its pending doom. He doesn't want her to worry, you see, even though keeping things from your partner is a recipe for a doomed relationship.

"[Chang'e] doesn't know about my problems yet," said the voice of Yutu in the Xinhua report. "If I can't be fixed, everyone please comfort her."

That's so sad! Hang in there, Yutu! You have to keep exploring the moon for China and/or scouting locations for them to nuke us from a lunar base when we default on our debt and they have no further use for us!

Unfortunately, even Yutu knows its chances aren't good, and as it sits on its cold, rocky deathbed deep in space, it's starting to get a little philosophical, according to the Xinhua story.

"Before departure, I studied the history of mankind's lunar probes. About half of the past 130 explorations ended in success; the rest ended in failure," noted the Jade Rabbit in its report.

"This is space exploration; the danger comes with its beauty. I am but a tiny dot in the vast picture of mankind's adventure in space.

"The sun has fallen, and the temperature is dropping so quickly... to tell you all a secret, I don't feel that sad. I was just in my own adventure story - and like every hero, I encountered a small problem," said the Rabbit.

"Goodnight, Earth," it said. "Goodnight, humanity."

Fucking dark, man.

On a separate note, I'm going to start writing every new car review I do in the voice of that car itself. FOR YUTU. IT WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.


Photo credit AP

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Somewhere on Earth, another rabbit knows exactly how it feels to have electical issues: