Illustration for article titled Bugs In Austin Wont Stop Pooping On Peoples Cars

Car owners in Austin, TX have noticed a strange occurrence in the past few weeks. Their cars (and really any outdoor surface) have been covered with a sticky, amber-tinted substance that many have assumed is just tree sap.


Of course, we all know when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me, but in this case the ass belongs to an aphid, and you and me are covered in aphid shit.

They delicately refer to the aphid dung as "honeydew" which probably isn't fooling anyone and just ruining an innocent melon for you.


Yes, to the delight of entomological scat fetishists, that goop is none other than an "energy-rich anal secretion" from aphids. Aphid poop. All over your car. Aphids, poetically known as "plant lice" are always around, vampiring the trees with their gross little mouthparts, but this year the amount of them is much worse than normal. Austin's Natural Gardener is calling it "a plague."

And, while plagues seem like a good time for everyone, the by product of the colossal aphid buffet is sweet, energy-rich aphid crap. Plus, the horny, very regular Aphids can reproduce faster than any insect, and I believe they keep their infants in tiny diapers an infinitesimal amount of time, so more and more aphid poop will be out there, coating your car.

So, for you Austin gearheads out there, our sympathies go out to you. If it helps, according to the Multiverse theory, somewhere out there is a universe where giant aphids are driving around in nice cars, and you're sitting on the hood, pants around your ankles, pinching off a steaming pile of crap on their windshield.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter