Automotive Predictions For 2014 Based On Data Real Analysts Use

Illustration for article titled Automotive Predictions For 2014 Based On Data Real Analysts Use

GM could buy Tesla in 2014! Can you believe it? It's totally, probably gonna happen, because Yra Harris, an analyst, said so. And, contrary to the first syllable of his job, he's not speaking ex recto here. He's basing it on all kinds of data, like the existence of Tesla and GM, and the use of money to buy things.


Harris giggled out this prediction on CNBC, noting that it was "out there," but that didn't stop news sites like Forbes or eco-car sites like Hybrid Cars from excitedly repeating the speculation. Sure, it's possible, and GM does have a dealer/service network and Tesla does have some proven technology, but that hardly means anything. Tesla hasn't ever even said they want to be bought, and GM isn't exactly incapable of developing a viable electric car on it's own. The prediction has as much value as any prediction you or I make, except it's coming from the larynx of a man with a funny name that financial folks listen to.

So, using the same rigorous methods of data analysis and advanced prediction models, I've programmed the Jalopnik Mainframe (located in the burned-out ruins of Don Knott's Malibu sex dungeon) to come up with 11 guaranteed* predictions for the automotive world in 2014. Expect these to come true, friends.

1. (late 2014) India's Mahindra will buy Tesla, GM, Volkswagen, Ford, Nissan-Renault, and every other car company except for Morgan, with whom they'll split the world's market.

2. New pedestrian impact standards will require car hoods to cradle pedestrians in air bags and whisper "shhh.. it's okay... it's okay, baby" into their ears.

3. Bugatti will enter the lucrative luxury city car market with refurbished and rebadged Honda Beats.

4. The first partially autonomous cars will be sold, staring with Infiniti's Autonomous Idle feature, which kicks in whenever the car is in neutral.


5. Jaguar will introduce a line of luxury vans, which will eventually take over their entire lineup.

6. Freightliner will enter the growing personal economy market, using the front clip of a Freightliner Cascadia, mated to a vertically-stretched hatchback rear sourced from the Ford Fiesta.


7. Subaru will offer a line of Outbacks with mountain bikes permanently welded to the roof.

8. GM will re-introduce the Oldsmobile brand for either a line of amphibious urban vehicles or heavily armored convertibles for wealthy people in spectacular climates but lots of drug lord activity. Data is unclear.


9. Ford's new aluminum F-150 will be a such huge success that it will cause a global aluminum shortage, forcing soft drink canners to revert to hollowed-out coconut shells.

10. BMW will further refine their model line up to introduce the 3.33 Series, the 4.5 Series, and the 5.25 Series.


11. Tesla will buy GM.

Okay. Let's hear some of yours now! You're plenty qualified, trust me.

(* predictions are not guaranteed. Also, thanks, Kevin Rainbolt for the tip!)


Jason Torchinsky

Just to belabour the main point, that these predictions by "analysts" are often lazy and half-assed, Toyota is a much more likely candidate to buy Tesla, which I don't think they will.

They already have a relationship with Tesla, are already using their technology, and wouldn't even have to change their monogrammed towels. They have as good a dealer/service network in the US as GM (or close enough), and have plenty of money. GM seems just like the first big company he thought of.