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An Open Letter To The Mayor Of Horizon, Colorado From A Concerned Citizen

Illustration for article titled An Open Letter To The Mayor Of Horizon, Colorado From A Concerned Citizen

Madame Mayor,

I was one of the many residents of our lovely town who applauded your decision to allow the Horizon Festival to take place here and looked forward to the economic impact you said it would have on our quaint little hamlet.


Unfortunately, I believe the Horizon Festival has gotten a little out of control and may not fit the needs of our community. I shall enumerate my complaints below, because they are many, but allow me to start with my biggest qualm.

You've promoted this event as a "Three-day festival of speed and music" and we are, by my count, now entering our 87th day of racing. Also, the days have grown eerily shorter. The sun goes down roughly every 45 minutes.


Why is this happening to us!?! When will this sorcery end!?! Please bring back the sun!!!

I pay my taxes like a good citizen every year, and I'm told that this money will go to form a police force. Where have they gone? There isn't a police officer to be found anywhere. Did the creepy 45-minute day scare them off? I've seen at least a dozen Lamborghinis dressed up as police vehicles, but I seriously doubt the Asslyvania Sheriff's Department is a real thing.

Street racing is abundant and people seem to be able to trade in their rusty old Volkswagens in for high-powered muscle cars in a matter of moments. The economics are mind-boggling.

At first I thought, perhaps, the inclusion of speed cameras everywhere would do the job. A smart cost-cutting, revenue-generating system, but I have reason to believe they aren't working. The reason is every time I get near a camera some miscreant in an unpronounceable Swedish speed machine that makes a noise like Thor farting speeds up the closer he gets to the camera, forcing me off the road and into a ditch.


Why are they going faster towards the speed camera? Will we see this astounding haul of ticket revenue at some point in the future? I doubt it's worth it. My street has lost six neighbors and a dalmatian in the last week to car accidents. The body shops here must be cleaning up because I witness roughly seven dozen accidents every 15 minutes but no car ever seems to stay damaged.

Why, by the way, do we have working bus service but no EMS or working fire department?


Theft is rampant in the absence of a police force. As you know, us Horizonians are fond of buying irreplaceable classic cars and parking them in our large, unlocked barns and then leaving the doors open. There's sort of a tacit agreement that you don't take someone's vintage Jaguar out of their barn, quickly restore it, and then do a burnout in front of their home in said Jaguar. Bad form. Bad form.

Illustration for article titled An Open Letter To The Mayor Of Horizon, Colorado From A Concerned Citizen

And the noise! If it wasn't bad enough that my circadian rhythm has been completely screwed because of the PCP sun, my neighborhood is being buzzed by aircraft and helicopters, over and over and over again. I can barely listen to our three curiously hip radio stations.

I think I may be losing my mind from the constant din of engines revving. I have this suspicion, and I can't prove it, that someone has been shifting time. I'll feel like I'm making a decision and then, all of sudden, the whole universe sort of goes backwards. Sometimes this happens over and over again until I doubt my decision and start over.


I just need it to stop. I need the sun back. I want my kids to be able to play in the street without having to worry about being flattened by a super-turbocharged Hello Kitty-festooned Mini Cooper. I will give you whatever you want. My votes. My credits. A cherry Bugatti I've stored in my massive run down barn near the highway.

For the love of all that is holy and good in the world just please make this never-ending nightmare stop.


A Concerned Citizen

(Hat tip to ForSweden for inspiring this post with this brilliant contribution.)

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Am I the only one who's over Horizon? Its fun and all, but in the matter of a week I owned all the cars (worth owning) and had unlimited free upgrades. I've run out of things worth doing in this game.