Today is an auspicious day
Of great joy and horsepower and play.
Today we get to celebrate
An all-American great!
The snarling and loud Dodge Hellcats.
Black key or red
That’s the choice, and be careful! they said.
But inside we all know
Who has time to go slow!?
We’re here to burn the rubber and wave the flags!
That supercharged whine
Really is just divine.
And the sound of that Hemi, waking from its sleep
Will make all the weak children and small dogs weep.
But isn’t that the point? We laugh, friends, and drive on.
Nay! we shouted at the 335i BMW
And the C-Class Mercedes, too!
None of that European import trash.
We’re going to buy this with good old American cash!
With Washington, Hamilton, Jefferson and Grant.
Burnouts and burnouts and burnouts galore.
Let us forget what traction control really is for.
We’ll burn all the fuel!
Because we are really cool.
Bring us that horizon, and bring it on quick.
You keep your fancy all-wheel-drive
Your low horsepower that will keep you alive.
A V8: we believe nothing is sweeter
Because only milk and juice and also soda come in a 2.0-liter
707 is the answer to all!
And so, to Dodge, we raise a glass
For creating a car in its own class.
For giving us a car more tail-happy and bad
For not giving a fuck about lap times to be had.
And dear Hellcat, never stop being you.