A Hummer can represent the highlight of just about anybody's week. Should however that Hummer turn out, like today's Nice Price or Crack Pipe candidate, to be a knockoff, its price would likely determine if you're getting a happy ending.
Trucks, they're like cars only bouncier, and like the Crab Shack, you don't feel bad about throwing your peanut shells on thier floor. Yesterday we had a crazy mixed up kid of a Ford F100 sporting a big-ass Olds motor under the hood and gearing that only a dragger could love. There's not too many of those around here, so it tossed its 57% Crack Pipe vote in its bed and lumpy-idled its way home. That was so much fun, we're going to do another utility vehicle today, only this one might have you shouting What the Truck?!
The original mechanical horse, the vehicle that saw the military through multiple wars and a couple of police actions, was the truck well known today as the Jeep. Legend has it that indefatigable four by four was named after a magical character from the Popeye comics. While that's debatable what is true, or Wikipedia couldn't post it, is that the Jeep was eventually retired, and was replaced by the M998 High Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, or Humvee, by AM General.
Whether you're a soldier who has done time in Iraq, Afghanistan, the Korean DMZ, or damn-near anyplace they wear Khaki and salute a lot, you're familiar with the Humvee. If you're Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, or Heisman-returner Reggie Bush, you know the Civilian version of the Humvee, the Hummer H1. Now, the H1 is a capable but cramped, slow and overtly consumptive vehicle that holds appeal and functionality for only a small segment of the population. That being said, having the word Hummer also be a euphemism for oral sex means that there's also hardly anybody who wouldn't like to get a Hummer. It gets very confusing.
Equally confusing is today's candidate, as, while it looks, from afar, like an H1, up close you'll realize that it's phonier than a politician's promise. Like a Beijing back alley Rolex, a Fiero-based Ferrari, or a Hollywood tranny, it's what's underneath that separates the real from the squeal, and in the case of this 2000 Hummer H1 Badlander Replica, what's under the skirt is a big ol' hairy Suburban dangling down there. It looks like it was built by (or the kit for it was sourced from) a company called Classic Roadsters of Fargo North Dakota. A quick spin of the Google dial doesn't indicate that the company is still in business, but who needs them, this is a Hummer, right?
This Fauxmmer sits atop a ¾-ton Suburban chassis, and is powered not by the expected Detroit Diesel, but by a Suburban-class 5.7. Now, you could have had your real H1 in Vortec form as well, but the torquey diesel was where it's at. This 350 is claimed to be a crate motor, and does make its magic through a 4-speed THM and 4-wheel drive system. Unlike a real H1, the Subbie's drivetrain does hang low, but hopefully doesn't also wobble to and fro, and can't be tied in a knot or tied in a bow.
Inside, it gets a little Hummer-ier with seats out of an H2 and a back-up camera attached TV that looks like it's out of a liquor store surveillance system, circa 1985. At least it's made by Watchvision so you know it's a quality item. It goes nicely with the Grant steering wheel, however. The A/C is claimed to be questionable, are are the power seat controls and the odometer, so it's not all peaches and cream, but hey it's all Suburban parts so fixing those things will be a lot cheaper than if it where the real Don Steele.
The rest of the truck is close enough to the real thing that, as the seller claims, They'll think you spent $50,000 - $100,000! for it. Up close you'll notice the four headlights instead of two, the lack of massive fuel chute on the side, or the even more extreme boxiness of the SUT rear end. But what the hell, it says HUMMER across its ass, and that's all the neighbors will see when you back this beast down the driveway.
To back it down the driveway, you'll need to had over to Rare Find Team Thiel the un-Hummer like sum of $19,997. What's your take on this fake, is that cheap enough to make this knockoff a knockout? Or, does that price make you not want a Hummer, hmmmmm?
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