Ram For Men Fragrance Ad Proclaims 'This Won't Take Long,' But Female Voice-Over Actor Already Guessed That Part

It is starting to feel like Ram is specifically trolling us here at Jalopnik. Its new fragrance, which it calls "Ram, for men," is already sold out, probably thanks to a ridiculously corny ad that encapsulates Stellantis' Make Cringe Great Again campaign for its various brands, mainly Dodge, Jeep and Ram. We've already been called a "real website" by Ram's parent company because we named the Jeep Grand Wagoneer as the best car to have sex in, as featured in a recent Jeep ad, so we know a little bit about the birds and the bees. Or in this case, the rams and the also Rams. 

I hate to break it to you, but this ad is not for a Sigma-male scent. After careful analysis from our resident speculative and fan-fiction readers, we've determined that this "Ram for Men" ad is for a different kind of male; one drawn directly from the Omegaverse. I see the vision, Ram. 

Don't know what the Omegaverse is? Oh, my sweet summer child. It's a form of storytelling (very high-brow) where humans exist in a sexual hierarchy that allows for both genders to impregnate and be impregnated. There are Alphas, Betas and Omegas. Yes, it sounds exactly like what all the losers incels talk about, only this is fiction made mainly for and by women who took that twisted philosophy and turned it into even more twisted smut. 

In Omegaverse stories, humans take on animal-like qualities usually related to canid behavior, but it can be any kind of animal the writer wants. Alpha males and females can impregnate Omega males and females (this interpretation of the term Alpha male makes bro podcasts much more entertaining) and this new scent from Ram is specifically for those Omegas looking for their Alpha. 

Don't believe me? Let's break it down. 

In the first scene of the ad, we cut to a man's hand picking up the bottle from the center console of a truck, but he is clearly angling from the passenger seat. This is not a manly man driving his own destiny, he is a passenger princess. Ladies and gentlemen, less than one second into the ad and we've found our Omega. 

"She's out there," the male voice-over artist says. But then we cut to two male goats making eye contact. Talk about mixed signals. It looks like our passenger princess is out and shifted into his mountain goat form.

"I'm waiting," the female VO actor says over a shot of the bottle of the fragrance, which Ram describes, among many scents, as musky. Is that the voice of the driver? Is that his best gal pal who drove him to the Grindr hook up? Safety first, but if you're going to do this solid for your omega friend you really should be more patient. This is love we're talking about, and love can't be rushed.

"Nothing can stop me," he says. 

"I smell torque," she replies. I am not sure what torque smells like, possibly an omega in heat? Possibly whatever "Aquatic accord" is? 

"This won't take long, my love," he says as two rams battle head-on. This is the only contact between animals we see, but you can infer the rest. 

"I smell... power," says the woman. The camera cuts to a split second view of a lady ram. This is the only time we see a female ram and it looks like her omega friend is trying to jump over her? Possibly to celebrate a hookup gone well. This scene is followed by a spritz of fragrance, like an Omega who has been marked by his Alpha (yes that is a part of this too, try and keep up). 

In the final shot, the words "Not a scent. A mating call" are shown over a shot of the bottle. That's something I'd expect, err... I mean, our speculative fiction experts would expect to hear in an Omegaverse story. 

"Ram, for men," he says to finish off the ad. Yes, I expect men to get rammed, why are we beating around the bush here? I clicked your acknowledgement of adult themes, Archive Of Our Own, let's go!