New 'Fast & Furious'-Inspired Movie Is Apparently Mostly About Step-Siblings Doing The Nasty, And I'll Review It If You Offer Me Something Good Enough

"Reacher" — the show, not the Tom Cruise movie — is one of the best things currently on television. Sure, Alan Ritchson is too short to play an accurate Reacher, but at least he gets closer than Maverick ever will. The downside is, it's on Prime Video, and ole Bezos will stuff an ad into anything. Usually they're easy to ignore, but last night, one of them was a trailer for a new movie clearly inspired by the "Fast & Furious" franchise. I barely caught anything related to the plot, but I saw expensive cars driving fast and thought to myself, "I bet some of our readers would love to hear about a new movie where expensive cars drive fast."

So I started Googling, which is a lot harder when the only word you remember from the title is "London." I'm a master Googler, though, and soon enough, I found it — "My Fault: London." Nice. Then it was onto Rotten Tomatoes, where there was no Tomatometer score yet, but the Popcornmeter (audience score) was 87 percent. So either it was a surprisingly well-done "Fast & Furious" ripoff, or it was actually a good movie. Either way, things were looking promising for a good, old-fashioned Jalopnik car movie review. 

Still naive and full of innocence, I scrolled down a little further and saw the first critic's review. According to Variety, "This slightly-toned-down English-language version plays as if a teen Jackie Collins wrote an illicit romance between two cantankerous step-siblings set in the worlds of 'The Fast and the Furious' and 'Never Back Down.' If that sounds chaotically messy, it's because it is." I mean, I do love mess, cheesy fighting movies and "The Fast and the Furious." Wait, what was that about step-siblings?

As it turns out, while there are definite "Fast & Furious" influences, the movie is mostly about two step-siblings doing the nasty. Clapping cheeks. Forming the beast with two backs. It's listed as a romance, so I assume the step-siblings also fall in love, which I guess should make it better in theory. Allegedly. At least there's no actual sibling-love like in "The White Lotus?" There are two episodes of that show left, and I'm really not sure I want to watch either of them, even if Loch really does tell his parents he chose NC State over Duke or Chapel Hill. 

Then again, there aren't really any cars in "The White Lotus," either. "Help Me: Step-Bro," on the other hand, is full of them. I also don't have any step-siblings to make this any weirder than it already is. So here's the deal: I'm willing to watch and review this movie, but I won't do it for free. It probably shouldn't be cash, but charity donations in my name, a building dedicated in my honor or even a nicely PhotoShopped image where it looks like Reacher and I are best friends might do it. Just gotta make it worth the psychic damage I'll take while sitting through all... wait, 119 minutes? This movie is almost two hours long? Might have to make that two buildings.