President Trump Says Boycotting Tesla Is Illegal

On Monday night, just a couple of months after taking office, Donald Trump has determined that it's unAmerican for anyone to not own a Tesla electric vehicle. While Joe Biden failed for four years to institute an electric vehicle mandate at the federal level because he never tried, Trump is built different–mostly out of cognitive dissonance. He can end Biden's non-existent EV mandate and trash already-paid-for EV infrastructure plans while simultaneously declaring Tesla the real patriot's automaker without breaking a sweat.

In fact, if you don't already own a Tesla in 2025, the President of the United States of America has unilaterally determined that you are committing the heinous crime of boycotting and colluding against Tesla, a great American institution and Elon's "baby." These are just American values held dear by the president, with a single strong man holding dominion over the worker and dictating to them how they must spend their money. Obviously Biden's preference for "woke" Free Market Capitalism is the antithesis of Trump's planned means of Tesla distribution. If you don't have a Tesla, or if Trump decides you're an illegal protester, you're cheering for America to fail, actually, which probably goes against the constitution or something, I don't know, I haven't read it.

Thank you, President @realDonaldTrump! pic.twitter.com/3kqZObTixi

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 11, 2025

You must go out right now and do your American duty and buy a Tesla to support Elon Musk and all of the great things he's doing right now, like running a failing social media site, running an explosive space exploration company, running a failing car company, stealing government funds, and shadow puppetting perhaps the most chaotic administration in American history. Musk has to make due with a paltry $38 billion in government contracts, so it's time for the American public to do their part for the still-richest man on Earth and probably in history. Won't someone please think of Musk's 14 (and counting) children? 

Donald Trump continued by saying he would buy himself a Tesla, despite Presidents being disallowed from driving themselves for the rest of their lives, and Trump not really having regularly driven anything but a golf cart for decades. This definitely isn't because Elon Musk paid over $270 million to get Mr. Trump re-elected and threatened to run opposition campaigns for anyone who doesn't toe the Trump/Musk party line. With the rapid decline in Tesla share price, Musk risks losing his monetary empire entirely when banks come calling for the loans they've floated to the billionaire, and if the money backing Musk's power disappears, so too does his usefulness to the Republican party. Obviously using the office of the president to promote Tesla over all other American automakers is what the kids call "based" and not a party ploy to prop up their oligarchical coup d'état. 

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Praise Lord Trump, buy your Tesla, pay more in taxes, revel in your $12 eggs, and stop complaining. If you can't afford it, you're a woke lib elite who doesn't understand the working class.