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10 Holiday Travel Tips From A Man From The Future With A Teleporter

Illustration for article titled 10 Holiday Travel Tips From A Man From The Future With A Teleporter

Holiday traveling couldn't be easier, thanks to the fact that I'm from the future and have access to insanely advanced matter-teleportation technology. And even though all of you reading this are disgusting, backwards simpletons, I'm delighted to give you my Top 10 Turkey-Day Teleporter Travel Tips! Hang on!


(Author's note: These tips were conveyed to me telepathically via the future-man when I accidentally microwaved a mirror.)

1. When teleporting to a friend or relative's house, always call ahead and be sure their pre-selected materializing point is free of furniture and/or pets. Nobody wants a cat halfway embedded in your thigh!


2. Be respectful when leaving! Make sure your teleportation unit is set to transport your bodily wastes with you. Don't make your friends have to clean up a colon and bladder's worth of waste that just drops to the floor!

3. To maintain decorum, teleport your clothes into position a few milliseconds before your body, so as to spare your hosts from having to see you naked for a few milliseconds while your clothing materializes.

4. Transport your food separately! Animal meats are simply too close, atomically, to your own flesh. So unless you want to physically be bonded with a 20 lb turkey, use a dedicated food transporter.

5. If possible, teleport flowers directly into your host's approved vases or other receptacles. You can find approved materialization points in your Google Teleport app.


6. Unless you get express permission, do not materialize directly into a host's hot tub or bathroom.

7. Double-check your coordinates! A one digit mistake can put you at the bottom of the Marinaras Trench instead of in your cousin's apartment.


8. If you've just been off-world, do a full decontamination sweep. I can't emphasize this one enough. I've seen too many dinner parties ruined with Tarquanian Eye Fungus than I care to mention. It only takes 12 hours, people! Do it!

9. No hand-holding while in the transport beam. This is teleportation 101, I know, but you'd be surprised how many people forget.


10. Enjoy it! Just remember that we're not like those poor bastards in the past who had to drive and fly everywhere, like we let our pets and service animals do today.

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You drunk already, Torchinsky?