“Why is it you never tell me what’s in these bags I’m to deliver to the captain? They smell ever so peculiar.”

“Shut your goddamn mouth, Fritz.”

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About the author

Jason Torchinsky

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)