There are few cars more poorly executed than the Cadillac Allanté. With bodies built by Italian factory workers, then shipped over to Michigan to be finished by 1980s GM factory workers, and with a name selected by computer, it is the epitome of a very certain idea of “luxury.” And now American Apparel, a bankrupt company with ugly products founded by a human toilet, is giving one away as a contest prize.

[CUE GRATUITOUS, RELENTLESS, THREE-HOUR LONG VOMIT NOISE]

Maybe the specific Allanté in question, an example in relatively pristine condition (for what looks like a car designed with only someone who died 30 years ago in mind) with 32,000 miles and valued at $8,000, is all they could afford.

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It’s what you win if you successfully find yourself at the top of American Apparel’s Halloween contest, which you can definitely win if you try even the slightest bit. Seriously, one of the featured costumes right now is this group of fine young gentlemen, who appear to be dressed as “people in clothes.”

Though it is hard to understate how terrible of a prize this is, and probably one you never want to win. The Allanté cost damn near $100,000 in 2015 dollars when it was new, and please keep in mind when you gaze upon its rouge interior, two-spoke steering wheel, and the used condoms serving as a shifter boot that that’s Jaguar F-Type money.

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In 1987, one could not buy an F-Type, however, so we’ll forgive people in the past for not buying one. But you could buy a Mercedes SL, and you could buy a BMW 635 CSi. Both of which sold in oodles kaboodles numbers, comparatively.

Only 21,395 Allantés were made. It’s surprising even that many were built. Enter the contest and maybe you too can be one of the lucky ones.

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Image Credit: American Apparel


Contact the author at ballaban@jalopnik.com.
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