Illustration for article titled Were Too Fat for the Boats of Disneylands Small World

Congratulations America! We've finally eaten our way out of our favorite childhood amusement park ride. When the boats for the famous It's a Small World were designed in the early 60s the average American man weighed 175 lbs and the average American woman was 135 lbs. Bwahaha! I weighed 175 lbs in seventh grade. The problem isn't that supersized Americans aren't fitting. The issue is that all of our newfound and hard-earned girth has been causing the boats to bottom out during certain points (like in front of the Canadian Mountie) which in turn stops the ride. Meaning that besides screaming kids, you have to hear that damn song for even longer. Disneyland employees (frighteningly referred to as "Cast Members") have known about this hefty problem for years and have tried combating it by guesstimating people's weights and trying to leave empty rows on boats filled with fatties. However, the boats still get stuck, and the lardy howl and scream when after they get helped off the ride, the boat pops up and starts moving. It's a Small World will be closing in 2008 and welcoming back our collective wide asses in 2009. [ — third article down]


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