Cars have a lot of personality. Their distinct faces, unique noises, strong cultural relationships, and performance characteristics are all very human traits. Yesterday we asked you if you could transform a car into a human being for the purposes of fighting which would you pick?
Getting all of that in mind and imagination in-gear, let’s turn these cars into people and knock ‘em out.
If a humanized Prius was anything like some of their more stereotypical “save the Earth” owners, shit would go down. No, I don’t want to sign your petition. Yes, I know my 30-year-old car is probably destroying our planet and its atmosphere each time I turn it over. I don’t need you reminding me!
Suggested By: Blondude, Photo Credit: Toyota
If the Ferrari FF were human, it’d probably generally cool and hip, but that doesn’t make its mischievous grin any more acceptable or approachable. Someone would have to do something about it.
This is perhaps the most asshat of all the asshat BMWs. Not only would this car suffer from a severe identity crisis, it would probably drag you into its own problems and shit on you in the process.
Suggested By: Sjubbdubb, Photo Credit: BMW
Many people love the retro Chally, but what works as a car doesn’t always work as a human. Reader SaveTheClassics wouldn’t be able to stand it.
Modern Dodge Charger/Challenger. They remind me of people that I hate, people that live in their past glories. People that won’t shut up about how amazing they were as a high school quarterback 25 years ago, while they are currently a janitor at the same school. He might have dated the prom queen then, but now he’s 100lbs overweight and balding, with a major drinking problem.
Admit it, there is something supremely punchable about the Challenger.
Suggested By: SaveTheClassics, Photo Credit: Dodge
If the Cadillac Escalade EXT is this messy as a car, who knows what it would be like as a human, as reader functionoverfashion explains.
I HATE these abominations. It’s not really a truck, because no one who owns one would really get it dirty. It’s not as useful for Limo-ing because it should be an Escalade or just a Suburban. Those wheels are awful but soooo common on these pieces of overpriced garbage.
I just imagine the person being like, a body builder whose muscles are just so ridiculous that he can’t do anything practical, but he can deadlift a small house. Congratulations. I can brush my own teeth. Can you? And he has no personality because he only lifts weights, all day every day along with eating steroids or whatever. WTF. I’d rather talk to the 1/2 ton crew cab over there, thanks.
Suggested By: functionoverfashion, Photo Credit: Cadillac
They’re big, sloppy with their loads, loud, and overall probably not a good friend to have around. Unless you can maybe punch some sense into them. But would you really want to physically engage with a human dump truck?
Chinese knockoff cars are the poseurs of all poseurs. They rarely even try to hide what they’re attempting to dress up as. As humans they would be pathological liars.
Out of all the extremely luxurious and pretentious looking cars on the market, there would be no car more douchey than a human bro truck. There is no doubt that as a human, bro trucks would rock gaudy accessories and frequent gyms in poor attempts to “get yoked.” Doesn’t that sound like the best type of person?
Who taught these guys how to lie so well? As humans, they would be the complete worst. Cute, seemingly likable, but ready to completely defy everything you thought they were.
Suggested By: camb416, Photo Credit: VW
There’s a level of sympathy that is required when committing to a relationship with a project car, but sometimes these it can be taken it to another level. Reader Bullitt417 can share some honest feelings.
I buy it nice new parts, I clean and wax it, I want it to be all around better.
Instead, the transmission broke, the cylinder head cracked, the rear sway bar needed to be replaced twice, the rear axle vented too much, the battery cable corroded, the Satellite radio antenna broke, the AC compressor broke, the front lower controls arms squeaked... all from a car I bought new.
Then, two hour installs become full day installs, new parts lead to new issues, upgrades I though would be great are not. If my car was a person, I would totally take a swing it it.
... And yet I won’t sell the car. I love driving it, I like buying new parts, I love the fact that four years later, I still look back as I walk away in a parking lot.
But I guess that’s what Love its.. The simultaneous need to strangle someone but the realization that if you do, you will miss them.
Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day’s Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It’s by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Top Photo Credit: Dodge