I suppose some of you might think I’m a gold-thirsty and heartless monster, but I didn’t ask for this reputation, that’s just you plebs being jealous. I do have a heart, actually, and I’ll prove it to you by telling you a little story about how I gifted a limousine to my friend, V.
I’m pretty sure everyone reading this is familiar with the old “blinker fluid” jokes. In case you’re not, it’s one of the oldest, most worn and tired gags in all of the automobiliverse. It’s so old it’s become a tradition; we even named our signature cocktail after it. That’s why I decided it’s time to see if,…
Your car’s dashboard is like your car’s press conference: it’s how the car communicates with you, officially. Sure, you get rumors in the form of noises, smells, and shimmies, but those gauges sitting in front of your face represent the information the Carmaker has decided to share with you. What if that information…
The world is a scary, divisive place right now, and it can be hard to even carry on a friendly conversation with other Jalops right now. Thankfully, our Onion-scented friends at The Morning Sweat have stumbled upon the one thing that can truly unite us: race cars.
Special-edition cars based on movies are certainly A Thing, and some have even become so desirable that there are hopeful hoaxes swirling about their existence, like we saw with the alleged 2018 Mustang Bullitt edition. But for every Bullitt-edition Mustang or 007-themed Aston Martin there are a lot more really lousy…
Even if you don’t know the name, I’m sure every American is familiar with the standard, boxy mail truck that trundles around the nation, distributing everyone’s smallish Amazon packages and more stupid subpoenas I’m just going to throw out. That mail truck has a name: the Grumman LLV (Long Life Vehicle), and I just…
He’s all over YouTube: the bro with a handheld camera and a “crew” who makes a channel where he ogles supercars, including the ones he inexplicably owns, and then racks up the views and the followers to a pumping soundtrack of bad electronic music. How can you follow in his footsteps?
As I was wrestling with a 27-inch mosquito during yesterday’s sunset, I realized that summer is here and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. After the mosquito finally collapsed thanks to my high blood-alcohol level, I dispatched it with a crowbar and then immediately set to writing these crucial summer…
Oh, hello there. I just returned from the most wonderful trip up to the lake. Everyone was there. You should have come—but nooo you had to work so you can pay rent because you’re poor. I keep forgetting!
As I was thumbing through the internet while enjoying my daily rosewater soak in my gilded, claw-footed tub this morning, I came across a couple in an unfortunate financial situation that actually hit quite close to home.
I never thought I would say this.
Last week, I got into an accident.
Oh, hello. It’s your rich alter ego checking in. I must confess that despite my extreme optimism about the economy, I’ve had something on my mind.
To mine own dearest Nissan Rogue,
Over the weekend, an ad popped up on Craigslist, as they often do, of a man looking to sell his Saturn. That in itself isn’t terribly remarkable. It’s the scene that he’s leaving behind that piqued my interest.
I’ll get this out of the way right now; this is not a real ad for Lamborghini. They don’t do commercials for obvious reasons. This is supposed to be some sort of spoof, and while the production looks convincing, I’m not sure I can find the humor in it.
It seems that there’s been a presidential election recently, and that tomorrow is the Presidential Inauguration? Why wasn’t the news covering this? This seems important. It also seems that tomorrow the newest version of the Beast, the custom-built Presidential Limousine-State Car will be revealed. That made me wonder…
The old nightmare came to haunt me again last night.
They say that ignorance is bliss, and that statement has never been truer when it’s concerned me and owning a car. I never knew what a slave I was to it until now, and how much it kept me from doing important things like meetings and writing thinkpieces.