If you saw the hilariously offensive ragtop woody wagon Porsche Cayenne when it popped up on the internet a few years ago, you’ve probably repressed the memory. Everyone else, please meet the new star of your nightmares! This fucking thing is real and somebody’s actually letting it run free among other cars.

It used to be with The Cars, you got in, turned the key, and drove, stopping for gas on occasion. You had one driving mode, and life was simple. The 2019 Porsche Cayenne E-Hybrid is different. You have six driving modes, and life can be very complicated.

The 2019 Porsche Cayenne E-Hybrid rights a lot of wrongs by finally bringing 22-inch wheels and massaging seats to the Cayenne lineup—a nearly unforgivable oversight—and it’s also quicker and more powerful than the outgoing model.

I wasn’t aware that this needed repeating, but I suppose we all require some common sense brushing up from time to time. Here’s today’s Very Obvious Reminder: Don’t, for the love of all that’s holy, ever cut off a bus.

Porsche just unveiled the new 911 GT3 RS and, man, it’s hard to care anymore. It’s just yet another fast, track-focused 911 with no manual. Same old, same old. What Porsche needs is something new. It needs something exciting. It needs a fast off-road Cayenne.

Owners of first-generation Volkswagen Touaregs have been noticing sloshing noises while driving their SUVs, only to find a crap ton of water stuck in their rocker panels. Just watch how much these owners drain from their cars’ side sills.

Some things are really heavy and awkward to load in a vehicle, like engine parts, coolers, caskets, and festive but delicate gourd centerpieces that you don’t want to break in two. Thank goodness for vehicles, like the 2019 Porsche Cayenne and some hearses, that squat down in the rear.

The Porsche Cayenne is my favorite automotive troll. Porsche fans were horrified at the idea of a Porsche SUV only to discover that the Cayenne is ridiculously capable off-road, on-road, on-track, and even when towing. The all-new 2019 Porsche Cayenne is faster and more powerful than ever, and if you’re still mad…

U.S. regulators have approved a “fix” for 38,000 Volkswagen Auto Group 3.0-liter diesel SUVs, which should clean up some of the hundreds of thousands of deceptive emissions-spewing diesels in the U.S. and potentially save the company $1 billion.

After over four years of begging Jalopnik’s editors, I, Stef Schrader—Jalopnik’s resident Porsche owner—finally get to drive a Porsche that can tow my Porsche. This week, I’m checking out the brand new, fascinatingly made 2019 Porsche Cayenne. What do you want to know about it?

Last month, Porsche flew me to Düsseldorf for the Porsche Cayenne Technology Workshop, where engineers in classrooms taught me detailed technical minutiae about what’s good on the new 2019 Porsche Cayenne. The whole thing was extremely German, and that’s a very good thing. Here’s what I learned.

Few vehicles out there are as immensely satisfying than the Porsche Cayenne Turbo. It angers snooty purists who hate that it exists, it’s fast and it can tow most other Porsches. The new 2019 Cayenne Turbo is quicker than ever, with a claimed 550 horsepower and 567 lb-ft of torque, complete with active aerodynamics…

Never before shown to the public, but Porsche actually tried to make a convertible Cayenne before. This is it. In the back, it’s split in half vertically to show two different rear design treatments. Did we miss it, or are you glad we never saw it?

I remember when people thought it was the END TIMES back in 2003 when the first Porsche Cayenne came out. “An SUV, from Porsche?” they cried. “Surely we are doomed!” Well, the apocalypse never came, and the Cayenne earned its respect for being very quick and engaging to drive. Now a new 2019 Porsche Cayenne is here,…

The slightly redesigned 2019 Porsche Cayenne isn’t supposed to make its way before our eyes until Tuesday, but Fridays are more fun anyway. Here, have a look at some recently leaked photos that appear to be it. Stay awhile, if you’d like.

The beautiful unobtanium Porsche Cayenne S Diesel birthed of magical unicorn tears and luxurious fancy-torques that of course America doesn’t get just set a new Guinness World Record. The Cayenne just towed the heaviest aircraft ever towed by a production vehicle: a 314-ton Airbus A380.

When most people think of off-roading, few think of a Porsche, but the Cayenne is far more capable than its scourge-of-Nordstrom’s-parking-lot reputation would suggest. Here’s a Cayenne Turbo crashing an off-road day with the Camden County Georgia Jeep Club, just gettin’ muddy like it’s no big deal.

This is no ordinary Porsche Cayenne S—it’s been kitted out with a mild lift, meatier tires, under-body armor, snorkels and a lot of other trick gear to race in Germany’s GORM Open Rally Raid. Has there ever been a more perfect Cayenne? I’m going to say no. It’s beautiful. 

Sure, the livery on this Porsche Cayenne safety car for the Virgin Australian Supercars Championship looks like a glaring, embarrassing typo. But it could be the best marketing tactic around. If there are no other “saftey” cars out there, yours is certainly the best.

Most people know the Porsche Cayenne Turbo as the scourge of school drop-off zones and Starbucks drive-thrus everywhere. Finally, people are taking these things off the pavement and into what should be their natural territory: mud! Muck! Dirt! Grime! YES.