“Hey! Can’t you see I’m fappin’ here?” A New Jersey man was arrested Thursday evening after parking his Dodge minivan in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel to masturbate, reports New York. His PCP-fueled van fapstravaganza held up rush hour traffic in what is one of the nation’s busiest tunnels.
Are you near Clackamas or Multnomah counties in Oregon? Do you have an urge to see a very creepy red-headed, naked man masturbate by a black 2001-2004 Chevy S-10? If so, this is a magical time for you, since there's a man of that description who's reported jerking off in front of his truck 14 times so far.
A Virgin America flight had to land in Omaha, Nebraska on Monday morning, after a 26 year-old passenger was caught allegedly masturbating at his seat, and then later tried to open the emergency exit door during the flight.
George Carlin once said this about riding the bus: "Hey, never mind those people at the bus stop. If they knew anything, they wouldn't be riding the bus." One of those things people don't know is that their driver just might be masturbating while driving. Great.
What is it about Florida that makes people want to masturbate all the time? If I were a palm hair removal cream salesman, I know where I'd concentrate my efforts. This latest Florida highway masturbator story is a perfect example of why.
For over half an hour last Sunday night, drivers on Highway 484 in Ocala, Florida watched Ashley Holton masturbate on the side of the road. They pulled illegal U-turns to watch and honked, only encouraging her. She was arrested once deputies arrived.
Jason Russell, the co-founder of Invisible Children and father of the five-year-old who featured in the viral KONY 2012 video, was detained in San Diego last night for "being drunk in public and masturbating," NBC San Diego reports. I know. I know.
As if it's not enough that air travelers are now prone to random micturition, one San Francisco airport visitor was snapped Thursday publicly engaging his in-pants entertainment in the view of other travelers, including a few children. After he finished, United probably tried to charge him a $35 handling fee.
A high-on-drugs Dutch trucker en route to Gothenburg, Sweden, was masturbating while driving and lost control, flipping the truck and blocking multiple lanes of traffic. While in the wreckage, he kept masturbating. Under police interrogation, he kept masturbating. That's determination.
