I suppose some of you might think I’m a gold-thirsty and heartless monster, but I didn’t ask for this reputation, that’s just you plebs being jealous. I do have a heart, actually, and I’ll prove it to you by telling you a little story about how I gifted a limousine to my friend, V.

As I have laid out to you before, I hate using public roadways. Not only is the plebish threat of traffic a very real thing, I am also forced to look at the common folk—an event that leaves me with migraines and mild indigestion for hours afterwards. Which is why I was so thrilled when I heard about Volvo’s new S90…

You know what the problem with people today is? Total lack of foresight. Everyone’s so focused on what’s right in front of their noses, they’re not seeing the big picture. That’s what separates the real winners from the losers. Now, it’s time to talk about Rolls-Royce.

I won’t hide my disgust when it comes to Las Vegas; I find it visually offensive. I look away in disgust at all these rubes, shipped in from their flyover states, dressed in their outlet mall clothes and relying on the cloak of night to hide their botched plastic surgery and stretched paychecks, all while acting like…

I nearly didn’t realize it, but 2017 will be over soon. It’s amazing how fast time passes when you’re thumbing through munitions catalogs after coming ‘round from a coke-nap. I’m a little dehydrated right now, waiting on the help to bring the bubbly, but you’ve caught me at a time when I’m feeling thoughtful.

Hello, darlings. My favorite time of the year is just around the corner and I’m in a festive mood. I’ve just finished overseeing the putting up of the holiday decorations in my winter château. The tree won’t be arriving for another few days, so I’ve got some time on my hands.

There’s a new iPhone out soon or something? And the people, they are excited about the new device. Why? I myself haven’t carried a phone in years, it’s much easier to have other people carry the phone for you and make the calls when you demand it. No, what everyone should be doing is placing orders for the new Ferrari…

I know it’s not even November yet, but Christmas is still right around the corner, and it is my absolute favorite holiday. An extra excuse to shop, while annoying agencies like the IRS are closed because of this federally recognized holiday. As it does every year, home appliance and washcloth factory outlet Neiman…

I usually don’t trouble myself with the legislative affairs of whatever puny country I happen to be passing through, but I’m going to make a special case for France.

Here at Jalopnik, it’s no secret that we’re very “anti-brand.” We don’t get sucked into PR campaigns and we certainly don’t tolerate shameless self-plugs that company CEOs (not really in this case) might post in our comments section.

Above-ground abodes: so overrated.

You probably think being me is a walk in the park, don’t you? From the outside, it seems like life is just dandy: jetting around to various properties, buying things that aren’t for sale and hours rife with substance abuse spent at the spa. Well, it’s not. I have enemies.

Unfortunately, my travels and my business usually bring me to New York City a few times a year. I really don’t care for it. Bad smells, democracy and Chipotle are all nauseating to me. Thankfully, though, there’s been an increase in private driveways to sooth my nerves.

Welcome to a special edition of What Car Should You Buy! Yesterday, Jalopnik was fortunate enough to get an “anonymous letter” from one of the biggest lottery winners in history asking for advice as to what car, or cars, to buy.

Ah, the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance in California. Big hats, fake smiles, astronomical yearly incomes and tax evasion of all levels. Basically: my kind of soirée. At least, it would be if I didn’t keep getting asked to leave. Those bitches.

Hello my darlings. I have returned after a fortnight of gallivanting around the Northern Hemisphere and I have some fresh grievances to bestow upon you regarding a place colloquially known as “Europe.” It was terrible.

Manhattan sunlight streamed in through the blinds, lighting up the small flecks of glitter still dancing in the air from the night before. Someone was knocking at the door. Tap tap tap.

A few months ago, Aston Martin and I got into a little tiff. I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t want you to worry.

Some of the most obnoxious bleating I hear from my New York staffers is in regards to the state of the public transportation system. “It’s so laaaaate,” some bawl. “It’s so haaaaawt,” others lament. Why don’t you just drive, then! I swear to God, sometimes the easiest answers are right in front of us.

Honestly, the only thing that kept me from buying the Porsche 911 Turbo S was that fact that it was too cheap. If anything was going to ferry my ass around, it would have to be so exclusive that I would actually want to change pants before I got into it. Porsche hooked me up.