You, a member of the down-trodden proletariat, toil away at your jobs in order to afford basic necessities like alimony payments and middle-shelf liquor. When you need a break, you call up your friends and organize a karting event, hoping the wind that washes over your face will also momentarily wash away your…

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several emails read to me that were sent from you people, wondering if this new condo that you’d read about in Miami belonged to me. No, it does not, and it’s rude of you to think so.

You know what pisses me off the most? Shitty wood. It’s worse than posers decked out in cubic zirconia and socks pretending to be fucking sneakers. There’s been too much shitty wood in this world for too long. It’s time to put a stop to it.

It’s officially summer and I’m told that the commonfolk start bellyaching for something called a “vacation” during these warm months. I suppose it’s something of a break from the “work” they do to “earn” money and pay their “bills.” But what the hell, I decided to try out this vacation to see what all the fuss is…

Whoever said that all men are created equal was full of shit. All men are not created equal and those differences manifest themselves in bigger and bigger ways as time goes on—especially when cars are part of the equation.

Summer is upon us once again, which means that I will have to travel to the disgusting cesspool of New York City at least a few times to check on some... investments. Transportation there has always been tricky, but luckily I have come across what I understand the proles refer to as a “city car.”

I suppose some of you might think I’m a gold-thirsty and heartless monster, but I didn’t ask for this reputation, that’s just you plebs being jealous. I do have a heart, actually, and I’ll prove it to you by telling you a little story about how I gifted a limousine to my friend, V.

As I have laid out to you before, I hate using public roadways. Not only is the plebish threat of traffic a very real thing, I am also forced to look at the common folk—an event that leaves me with migraines and mild indigestion for hours afterwards. Which is why I was so thrilled when I heard about Volvo’s new S90…

You know what the problem with people today is? Total lack of foresight. Everyone’s so focused on what’s right in front of their noses, they’re not seeing the big picture. That’s what separates the real winners from the losers. Now, it’s time to talk about Rolls-Royce.

I won’t hide my disgust when it comes to Las Vegas; I find it visually offensive. I look away in disgust at all these rubes, shipped in from their flyover states, dressed in their outlet mall clothes and relying on the cloak of night to hide their botched plastic surgery and stretched paychecks, all while acting like…

I nearly didn’t realize it, but 2017 will be over soon. It’s amazing how fast time passes when you’re thumbing through munitions catalogs after coming ‘round from a coke-nap. I’m a little dehydrated right now, waiting on the help to bring the bubbly, but you’ve caught me at a time when I’m feeling thoughtful.

Hello, darlings. My favorite time of the year is just around the corner and I’m in a festive mood. I’ve just finished overseeing the putting up of the holiday decorations in my winter château. The tree won’t be arriving for another few days, so I’ve got some time on my hands.

There’s a new iPhone out soon or something? And the people, they are excited about the new device. Why? I myself haven’t carried a phone in years, it’s much easier to have other people carry the phone for you and make the calls when you demand it. No, what everyone should be doing is placing orders for the new Ferrari…

I know it’s not even November yet, but Christmas is still right around the corner, and it is my absolute favorite holiday. An extra excuse to shop, while annoying agencies like the IRS are closed because of this federally recognized holiday. As it does every year, home appliance and washcloth factory outlet Neiman…

I usually don’t trouble myself with the legislative affairs of whatever puny country I happen to be passing through, but I’m going to make a special case for France.

Here at Jalopnik, it’s no secret that we’re very “anti-brand.” We don’t get sucked into PR campaigns and we certainly don’t tolerate shameless self-plugs that company CEOs (not really in this case) might post in our comments section.

Above-ground abodes: so overrated.

You probably think being me is a walk in the park, don’t you? From the outside, it seems like life is just dandy: jetting around to various properties, buying things that aren’t for sale and hours rife with substance abuse spent at the spa. Well, it’s not. I have enemies.

Unfortunately, my travels and my business usually bring me to New York City a few times a year. I really don’t care for it. Bad smells, democracy and Chipotle are all nauseating to me. Thankfully, though, there’s been an increase in private driveways to sooth my nerves.

Welcome to a special edition of What Car Should You Buy! Yesterday, Jalopnik was fortunate enough to get an “anonymous letter” from one of the biggest lottery winners in history asking for advice as to what car, or cars, to buy.