A 5,000-lb. elephant seal? A speeding Ford F-150? California's PCH near San Simeon? A deadly melange, according to a report today in the LA Times. Theories abound as to why elephant seals are trying to move from their protected environs on one side of California 1 to the other, but our fave has to be that, starting in December, the gnarled old males and the young punks begin duking it out for the pleasure of doing what it is that girl and boy elephant seals do when they get together.

Mostly, the young ones have their asses handed to them and then, in increasing numbers, sulk off in the general direction of the highway—and, lacking old Cure records or adequate elephant seal pr0n to solace themselves, play sluggish chicken with traffic. One seal has already bought it. Authorities are worried and confused. Badass old seals are kicking back with their "harems" of hard-won lady seals and taking it all in. Motorists are advised to proceed with caution, as elephant seals are a much more formidable obstacle that most of nature's other impediments. (Image: AP)

Elephant seals are California traffic hazard [LAT]