NYPD Is Hunting The City's Most Patriotic Alleged Public Masturbator

Illustration for article titled NYPD Is Hunting The City's Most Patriotic Alleged Public Masturbator

We’ve all considered a classic “TEAM USA” tattoo above the eyebrows. What better way to advertise your allegiance? Makes it hard to get away with crimes though. Speaking of which, if you see this particularly patriotic face the NYPD would like to hear from you.


The NYPD released this image of an individual they describe as “wanted for public lewdness.” The local NBC News station explains that that means he allegedly “stuck his hands down his pants and began fondling himself while staring at a 29-year-old woman.”

The purported masturbation went on for thirty minutes aboard a Manhattan-bound 2 Train. For America.

In case you were about to ask, a subway (vehicle or restaurant) is pretty much the opposite of what I personally find arousing. But for someone who loves this country with the kind of passion that makes a man write things on his own face, I could see getting pretty hot and bothered while thrusting below the heart of American capitalism in a long aluminum shaft.

Apparently subway masturbation is indeed A Thing that happens in our nation’s greatest city. Aziz Ansari dedicated an episode of his new Netflix show to this phenomenon! But still; this situation asks more questions than it answers.

Beyond the obvious; “why not wait until you get home,” I don’t understand why would anyone observe this for half an hour. The trains have exit doors.


And what’s the real significance of the tattoo? Just blanket-jingoism? Or is the guy dedicated to a specific olympic team?

Any of you with speculation are encouraged to leave comments. But if you’ve seen this character, feel free to inform the police at 1-800-577-TIPS or the NYPD’s tip submission site.


Images via NYPD and The All-Nite Images/Flickr

Contact the author at andrew@jalopnik.com.


I bet he got off at the wrong station.