Mercury Grand Marquis: At Home On The Track!

Illustration for article titled Mercury Grand Marquis: At Home On The Track!

When life gives you a rented Mercury Grand Marquis, you might as well take it out for a few rainy laps at Stafford Motor Speedway!


Sure, there's a little body roll, but doesn't it look right?

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Ah, the Grand Marquis... a vehicle whose shocks consisted of Stay-Puft marshmallows, and whose engine was connected to the rear wheels via the state of Ohio.

How I miss thee, with your "I'll turn when I damn well please" demeanor and its "Go? You want me to go?" playfulness.

All you needed was a set of red and green lights, and a pull cord mounted on the roof for the fog horn, and you were set for a land voyage as long as your 84 gallon gas tank could take me.

Oh, how I long for your cavernous trunk, so easily capable of swallowing a family of four's luggage, three cases of Pepsi (that somehow turned into eight cases of Pepsi), and a dead hooker that Dad said we shouldn't talk about, ever.

How I yearn for your wandering tie-rods and your aircraft carrier-like* handling prowess!

Your precocious column shifter that always ended up in 2 will forever remain in my heart, Grand Marquis, and I shall love you forever more.

*I've driven aircraft carriers, and I can absolutely tell you that the aircraft carrier turns faster.