There’s been some big news today: the Top Gear triumvirate has been taken in by the world’s largest box-sending-to-your-house concern, Amazon, which will be producing new car-shows. But there’s one bit of important news no one is yet talking about: Richard Hammond’s goatee.
It’s long been rumored that Richard Hammond’s facial follicles were capable of goatee production, but aside from a few university simulations and some early prototypes seen testing last year, the pictures associated with the Amazon announcement are widely considered by Hammond facial hair experts to be the first ‘official’ unveiling of the partial beard setup.
Scrutiny of the released photos and analysis by the Jalopnik Mainframe (located in Lincoln’s anus on the back of Mt. Rushmore) reveals that a full beard seems to be at least technically possible, but the reasons for limiting the facial hair expansion are not yet known.
Sources close to Hammond suggest that the constrained beard area was meant to be a silent tribute to Ricky Gervais’ David Brent character from the Office, as a way of Hammond repaying Gervais for allegedly getting him out of a potential shoplifting arrest at a London-area Boots.
In terms of how the goatee will affect the as yet unnamed new AmazonVideo show, Jalopnik aerodynamicist Paul Jaray’s Ghost issued this statement:
I have severe concerns about the extra drag the goatee hair-surface will cause on Mr.Hammond’s chin, which normally requires a clean air departure path.
Woooooooo (rattles chains). Ooooooh-wooooooooooo.
At worst, the drag could cause unwanted torsion on the entire head assembly that could, in a worst-case scenario, twist the head clean off, if Hammond is driving something at speeds approaching Mach 2.2 with no helmet.
(indistinct moanings, more chain rattles)
At this point I suggest use of a full-face helmet or at least an aerodynamic chin cap to prevent any unwanted aerodynamic effects.
(clanking sounds) Woooooooooooooo.
Richard Rawlings’ goatee, which has previously made statements about being ‘the only goatee that matters in the car-world’ initially issued this derisive tweet about Hammond’s goatee:
The tweet was deleted several hours later, and neither Richard Rawlings’ Goatee nor Richard Rawlings, the man who lives directly behind the goatee, were available for comment.
We will keep up with more Richard Hammond’s Goatee-related news as we get it.
UPDATE: Further analysis suggests that the full follicle constellation may in fact actually be a Van Dyke, which includes an integral goatee. Please remain calm as we process this information.
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