January 1st, 2018 was a terrifying day for many residents of Oregon, because on that day a law went into effect that stated that Oregon counties with 40,000 or less people would be allowed to let normal, mouth-breathing citizens pump their own gasoline right into the gas-holes of their cars, like they were rocket engineers or something. Of course, people do this every day in every state but New Jersey, which is why the rest of the country is pointing and laughing at all the panic.

That pointing and laughing can be enjoyed by you by checking out this local CBS affiliate’s Facebook poll, which has been inundated both with comments from those who never, ever want to touch the smelly end of a gas pump and the incredulous rest of the nation that’s been pumping on their own for decades:

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I’ve picked out a few of the more, um, engaging responses from people lamenting the loss of gas pumped by someone else. While, sure, it’s nice to have someone pump your gas, I think a lot of Oregonians are pretty dramatically overestimating what sort of skill this is.

On the skills spectrum, pumping gas is closer to “urinating by yourself” than it is to “properly eating a lobster,” or “building a model rocket.” It’s just not that big a deal.

Still, if you want to feel like a bigshot who possesses some fearsome gas-pumping skills that take ninja-levels of training to master, just read the comments of the Oregonians who don’t want things to change:

Not a good idea, there are lots of reason to have an attendant helping, one is they need a job too. Many people are not capable of knowing how to pump gas and the hazards of not doing it correctly. Besides I don’t want to go to work smelling of gas when I get it on my hands or clothes. I agree Very bad idea.

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“People are not capable of knowing how to pump and the hazards of not doing it correctly.” Ohhh. That explains why everything is covered in fireballs all the time.

I once almost got stranded because I didn’t know where the fill tube was on a car on a road trip. I never thought to look behind the tank. Also pumping your own gas is overrated.

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“Fill tube?” and what does “behind the tank” mean, exactly? Actually, maybe it’s best this guy doesn’t pump gas.

I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. I had to do it once in California while visiting my brother and almost died doing it. This is a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas. I can’t even

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Holy shit. This one has to be a joke, right? He almost died? No. No no no. This can’t be real. If it is, this guy is as likely to die of starvation waiting in his car for someone to pump the gas. Or maybe by choking on a blob of too-chewy air.

I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian.... I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline.

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I’m amazed this person was able to avoid pumping gas for at least four decades or so. And I’m pretty sure if you keep the nozzle out of your pants you won’t smell like gasoline.

No! Disabled, seniors, people with young children in the car need help. Not to mention getting out of your car with transients around and not feeling safe too. This is a very bad idea. Grrr

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Hey, no growling. This is the internet—we have rules. Also, there’s already ways to get help if you’re disabled, and no one is saying all gas must be pumped in a dark area, alone and vulnerable, surrounded by cutthroats and highwaymen and ne’er-do-wells. Remember, most of the country does this pretty much non-stop without getting murdered.

Also, don’t forget, you’re basically holding a flame thrower if shit gets too real.

my mom can drive just fine. But she has arthritis that would make it impossible for her to pump her own gas. I go to work at 5 in the morning. Not a lot of people at the gas pumps at that time in the morning. And yes I will not feel safe pumping my own gas. Crime were I live is ridiculously out of control. Not to mention it’s freezing and rainy. So thank you to all who voted to change it. You have now taken away a nice luxury that most of us enjoyed. Plus all the jobs. Gas is not going to be any cheaper.

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Hey, I don’t even know your mom. Also, stations will provide help to people who need it, and I’m sure there’s still plenty of other jobs to do at a gas station. Maybe there is a jobs argument here; I don’t really have any data other than 48 other states aren’t destroyed by self-pumping.

I’m also not buying the crime thing. Where do you get gas, Arkham Asylum?

The complaints go on and on. They range from the misguided state pride ones like

No. It’s one of the few niceties that separates Oregon from other states.

...to people concerned about leaving kids in the car, for some reason. Look, if you’re pumping gas in such a way that you’re endangering your kids, you have so many bigger problems to contend with.

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There’s many more comments from people self-indulgently mocking these misguided Oregonians, and there’s so many of those that after a while you almost start to feel bad for the Oregonians.

Almost. Until you remember they’re upset about pumping their own gas.

Then you feel just fine.

(Thanks, Paul!)

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