Have you ever dated someone who was totally hot but very high maintenance? If you haven’t then today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe BMW 850Ci will show you what that’s like. You’ll just have to ask yourself, at what cost, crazy?

Porsches have their engines in the back, amiright? I mean real Porsches, not some sort of almost an Audi or - Heavens to Murgatroyd - an SUV. The question is, as long as it’s in the back, does a real Porsche need to have a real Porsche engine? Well in an RCH-narrow vote - 53% to 47% - it turns out that when that engine is an LS1 and has been professionally installed, it's not only real, it's really awesome.

Of course, if yesterday’s German-American hybrid left a bad taste of just plain wrong in your mouth, and you need something to cleanse the palette then how about an all original BMW that’s about as rare a sighting as is Bigfoot reading SQ (Sasquatch Quarterly) whilst sitting on the can?

Today’s 1993 BMW 850Ci is about that rare as its V12 is mated to a 6-speed stick. The E31 Bimmer was in fact the first production car ever to do that- mating twelve cylinders with half that number of cogs in its gearbox.


This one looks like it's gone 12 rounds, but I do give the seller props for not describing the car as a ‘rat rod’ owing to the faded paint, assorted dings, dents, encroachments by that ol’ demon rust, and an interior that looks more like S&M Rhino than leather.

Those lived in looks might just be your cup of tea if your goal is to project the image of a faded ‘80s sitcom star still clinging to the last vestiges of your former fame, and it also means that this visually vexed vixen is unlikely to get you car jacked for being mistaken as a person of wealth.


Little do the car jackers know that under the hood beats the mighty M70 with its 4,988-ccs and 296 horses ready to play. This isn't even just a rare modern iteration of the V12 configuration, but as we noted in last week's crazy 5.6-litre equipped E43 M5, it actually operates as conjoined six cylinders. Two BMW sixes in one car! Can I get a Booyah!?

You'll need them both because the big BMW coupe tips the scales at well over two tons. That also means that fuel economy - on premium - is like that old David Bowie album; Station to Station. What you get for that extraordinary thirst is power delivery that's smoother than 30-year old Scotch. Too bad on this one that's wrapped in a body that looks a little too much like skunky PBR.

Despite the car's physical presentation, the ad claims that mechanically it is sound. Recent maintenance noted include a brake flush, new center bearing, control arm bushings and a pair of batteries. If that list saddens you because you enjoy pouring money into cars don't worry, there's plenty more to go wrong here.

When new the BMW E31 was one of the world's most complex automobiles. Add to that this model's 112,000 miles and you can be sure that both expected and unexpected shit's going to go down.

Still, when was the last time a running V12-powered super coupe could be had for under ten large? I mean, other than creaky old Jaguar XJSs that typically smell like an Englishman's damp trousers. Plus, over here the Jag could only be had with an auto.


No, it's unlikely that you ill find something spec'd like a Ferrari for old Civic money, and that's what makes this beast so interesting. You are obviously paying for the base and not the condition, and for that this dealer is expecting $6,750 in return. What's your take on that price for this big Bimmer? Is that a start of - eventually - a beautiful friendship? Or, is this 850Ci too scary at any price?

You decide!

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