Car Thief Soils Self After Finding Cop In Passenger Seat

Illustration for article titled Car Thief Soils Self After Finding Cop In Passenger Seat

A 16-year-old car thief attempting his craft in Centerville, Utah was startled to find Deputy Chad Taylor in the passenger seat. Attempting to escape, he ran hard enough to lose both shoes. Then shat himself.

The Deputy cornered and arrested the young thief in a friends house after the derelict tried to outrun the officer. During the chase he lost both shoes, control of his bladder and his bowels. Said Deputy Taylor, "You could smell him. He told us, 'Yeah, I crapped my pants.'" This is one instance where a thief was literally scared shitless by the cops. That's the kind of thing which should garner some kind of special recognition from his unit. An "I made a criminal crap his pants" medal, perhaps. [DailyStar]

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graverobber
Rob Emslie

We've been down this road before. Fudging your Huggies while being pursued is an age-old defense mechanism. When our ancestors where still seeking refuge from predators by climbing into trees, a final payload drop on the pursuer would encourage targeting another victim with a less active metabolism. It's an evolutionary advantage and increased the likelihood of reproduction among "shotgun-bowel" protohumans, perpetuating the line of those with the ability to heave a havana.

Today, we see stress-related sphincter spasms in our nearest relatives- the chimpanzees, which share 99.5% of our DNA code, and a love of all things scatological. They are able to shit at will, and understand the value of a turd as a weapon. Again, evolution at work.

What this teen car thief didn't understand was that by building a log cabin, his body was unconsciously telling him- "Here, let me help you run faster, I'll lighten the load for you!" Dropping a deuce can also throw olfactory-based trackers off your scent.

So next time you are under great stress, and feel that turtle's head poking out, you go ahead and clear out some inventory, because that's just your body's natural autonomic response to stress. It's the result of millions of years of evolution, steaming there in your pants. Don't worry, it means you'll live to crap another day.