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Amazon Thinks If You Own An Old Saab You're, Like, High, Man

Illustration for article titled Amazon Thinks If You Own An Old Saab Youre, Like, High, Man

Should you buy the service manual for a Saab 900 from Amazon, they'll suggest you might like the third season of Weeds. So either they think you love pot or you're a middle aged woman. (Hat tip to TJ!)

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DISCUSSION

big-rusty
I can be Stig?

This calls for reproducing this:

What the Haynes Manual really means:

Haynes: Rotate counterclockwise.

Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy the giant economy size of WD40

Haynes: Retain small spring...

Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Check Weekly...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Be warned.

Haynes: One Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to fuck it up?

Haynes: Two Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).

Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).

Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vise grips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book, except for what you need to do.