A man in a coonskin cap is a great eyewitness

A police chase in Florida's Panhandle region has resulted in one of the more surreal eyewitness report interpretive dances recently caught on tape, complete with deadpan intro, male-model-grade stubble, and an honest-to-God coonskin cap.


Having now watched this video twelve times, I'm still not sure what happened with the chase itself — and increasingly don't care. What is perfectly clear, though, is that Carter Johnson is a gifted sort, a walking encyclopedia of Dixie pop-culture reference points and a man with a sublime talent for translating motion from the street through his soul into his arms. Reality may hit you hard, bro, but just the right mix of the Duke brothers, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Davy Crockett, and hippie hand dancing has a way of smoothing it all out.


(Thanks to everyone who tipped us!)

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Aaaw, they cut out before he could finish. He was going to go on to say:

"...And hat's when he came and, and hit the front line of the Mexicans. I've never seen so many Mexican invaders bounce off a windshield like that. They was like Brad Pitt in that movie Meet Joe Black, y'know? Except only more tanned. I tried usin' my stick to count 'em, but they was more flying Mexican's than you could shake a stick at. He bowled right through then, just a-honkin' that horn and a-hootin and a-hollerin'. Then he hit that e-brake like that Ken Blawk feller and cut a yuwey and dug in real hard and headed for their commander, who had some biggol' hat and was, was, was on a horse, right? And he was swinging this fancy old pistol around and fired it at the dude. I thought fer sher he was gonna shoot through dat windshield and git the dude innis head, but he shot the tahr instead and it just BLEW! It was like wawtchin' one-a-dem Michael Bay movies, y'know? It like, cut to the side and flipped over and and started doing barrel rolls. I counted eleven barrel rolls. I know 'cuz I used mah stick this time.

I just keep thinking, if that damn Mexican dude on a horse wasn't such a dad-gummed good shot, we might-a just never lost the Alamo and Dukes a' Hazzard might still be on the teevee, dag-burnnit."