So, I just experienced my first earthquake. According to maps I'm like 50 miles away from the epicenter. As a Texan, I had no concept of how to react to this. I desperately grasped for a firearm so I could shoot at the earthquake and then, finding none, fled into the streets. Not my proudest moment.
I'm not one who likes to give in to panic. I'm a certified Community Emergency Response Team member so I'm trained to deal with the aftermath of massive natural disasters. But I trained in Texas, so it was always prepping for hurricanes, tornadoes, or a Dallas Cowboys v. Houston Texans Superbowl.
I've also just moved to Virginia, a place where I was assured the biggest danger would be men in seersucker suits offering me fried chicken. I'm fine with the prospect of slow-moving heart disease. But the earth moving? Fuck that noise.
It all started about an hour ago. I was upstairs working in my office when all of a sudden my cat, who has been acting strangely all day, started making the most awful sound. Translated into English it was something like "Gahhhhhruuuuhammmallll."
Being the kind cat owner that I am, I rushed downstairs to put a paper towel underneath him so he wouldn't throw up on the furniture. But there was no throwing up. No anything. And then everything started moving. Here's how the next 20 seconds played out:
Seconds 0 - 3 The body's awareness that shit is most likely fucked up.
Seconds 4 - 10 My mind realizes something is wrong, tries to process the possibilities. Cat decides to GTFO.
Seconds 10 - 15 Me looking around for a doorway to stand under. Deciding that I have no good doorways I run towards the back door. I decide I'm not wearing the right shoes for the backyard so I turn around and run towards the street.
Seconds 15- 20 General panic as I run towards the front door.
By the time I made it to the street my neighbors had done the same and we were all looking at one another going "Really?"
And then my neighbor complained she couldn't find any information about it on Twitter — just 45 seconds after it happened. This is like 50 miles away from the epicenter of an earthquake that occurred in an area that hadn't had a major damaging one since 1875.
So now I have to play it cool. Because I'm a Texan. My job is apparently to make jokes about it on Twitter like everyone else. I'm trying.
Thank God there's a hurricane heading towards me. I know how to deal with that.