While some of us see any visit to our nearest department of motor vehicles as a waste of precious life only to get secondhand cancer from real-life Pattys and Selmas, Mr. Bill Caswell's adventures at the Illinois state license office provided Crossdrilled with all the material he needed:

Mr. Caswell Thanks for coming to your license test
No problem
So you've been driving very well recently wouldn't you say?
Absolutely, I'm the champ
Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the "champ"
Well the first thing I do is...

Talk to marshalls (like a champ)
Adjust dampers (like a champ)
Open workshop (like a champ)
Remember pacenotes (like a champ)
Check Craigslist (like a champ)
Buy my own car (like a champ)
$500 (like a champ)
Weld a cage (like a champ)
Try a race (like a champ)
Get rejected (like a champ)
Swallow sadness (like a champ)
Enter again (like a champ)
Get accepted (like a champ)
Beat millionaires (like a champ)
Laugh at their asses (like a champ)
Get mooned by drunk fans (like a champ)
Take a jump (like a champ)
Fuck the suspension (like a champ)
Get a hammer (like a champ)
Work all night (like a champ)
Finish the rally (like a champ)
Apply for X Games (like a champ)
Oh fuck man THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! SHIIIIIT!
Get rejected (like a champ)
Get a following (like a champ)
Become an idol (like a champ)
New golden alter (like a champ)
Enter the Baja (like a champ)
2' suspension travel (like a champ)
Beg a ride there (like a champ)
Miss the deadline (like a champ)
DNS (like a champ)
Enter Pikes Peak(like a champ)
Meet Tajima (like a champ)
Drift the fucking mountain (like a champ)
Snap oversteer (like a champ)
Scream the whole time (like a champ)
Fly off a mountain (like a champ)
DNF (like a champ)

Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?
No doubt
You hold a drift then die?
Hell yeah
And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick
Nope!
Actually I'm pretty sure you did
Nah, that ain't me
Okay, well this has been eye opening for me
I'm the champ
Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four-hundred times
I'm the champ
Yeah yeah I got it!
I'm the champ
No I heard you, see ya later
like a champ !